Dear DeJana:

“From this relationship I learned to value criticism a lot. It is important for me now to look for the people who can be blunt and harsh to me when needed, because sometimes we need to get things said and friends are often way too polite in order to keep peace and don’t hurt feelings“-

– there is a middle way between being “too polite”, saying nothing and  being “blunt and harsh”. The middle way is saying your truth in a gentle, kind way.

“we should know to listen to the constructive criticism“- criticism is constructive long-term only when it is given in a gentle and kind manner (or at the least not in a rude, harsh way!)

“I told a good friend of mine who was single that she had bad breath often. I tried to be as discreet as possible.. . She thanked me later. And has a new boyfriend now, maybe fixing this issue has a finger in it?“- your criticism worked, probably because you delivered it gently, kindly (not harshly!)

“Once we were on the beach. He did not let me sit comfortable of play with the sand, because there will be sand in the car afterwards… My philosophy is: I go and play in the sand and don’t care…. I want to show we have different philosophies“- this mismatch of philosophies would make co-parenting with him (if you have plans to become a mother) very difficult, and produce sad kids (kids who are not allowed to play in the sand are sad kids)!

“He says he spend a lot of time thinking about developing strategies to not damage objects and keep stuff clean. This, in his eyes, gives him right to criticize me“- he values objects more than he values people’s emotions: another reason to not have children with him. Plus, if you want to keep the kid in you happy.. he is the wrong partner then, isn’t he).

“I see how much this person loves me“- but.. he loves his car/ stuff more?

“he wants to have children“- oh, oh.

“I don’t want to lose him, but I am unhappy and feel stuck“- like you said, you experienced some good with him, so there is some loss if you move out/ end the relationship with him.

“I feel so strongly that there is just one chance to live and I want to be myself… he matters to me and that I matter to him. But living together does not make me shine but willow”– moving out and maybe ending your relationship with him would be easy if you experienced nothing but bad with him.

Seems like overall moving out is the right thing for you, but you will need to expect to experience a sense of loss, a sadness, and some overall distress  for some time before you are able to feel the euphoria/ the feeling-alive of your current imaginings of the time you live alone, away from him.

anita