Dear Ates:

I didn’t receive a reply from you, so I figured: I will re-read your Aug 5 post where you shared most personal things, and see if I can reply to it in a different way than I did before, and maybe this reply will motivate you to communicate with me further.

You shared that your father “didn’t really exist” for you, that you remember nothing about him, other than that he was “extremely passive never cared for me“. How sad it is, that a person leaves behind nothing at all, in his daughter’s mind and heart. Maybe he worked and brought money in, but isn’t it amazing how when a person does not love… it is as if he doesn’t exist.

You shared that your mother “was depressed and neurotic. Always yelling at me, beating me and locking me to the cold and dark bathroom” while father is extremely passive and doesn’t bother to stop his wife from abusing his little girl.

You shared: “I hated my home, wanted to leave it every day… Wanted to have a different family”, “Was not able to.. so I was never leaving my bedroom. At least I was safer that way“- a girl threatened in her home wants to leave that home but has no other home to go, so she hides in her bedroom.

“I always wanted someone to save me, just take me by hand and get me out of here. I had daydreams about this saviour… (been) jumping from relationship to relationship problem for years. When someone showed me some care I automatically start having a crush towards them and we start a relationship.. This cycle continued for nearly 10 years without much break between“- hoping this man is Savior, getting disappointed, then hoping that man is Savior.. and maybe this other one.. and getting disappointed again and again.

“After some time I see some problems in the relationship, I start to feel suffocated (even physical sensations like someone is choking me) and  I break up“- it’s as if inspired by the hope and euphoria of the savior-day-dreaming, you leave the safety of your bedroom and venture to the living room and the porch and the garden, but too soon, you find out that your mother is still there, “yelling… beating”,  and just as you felt suffocated as a child, you feel suffocated still.

“I tried living with roomies but I get suffocated as well. So I am living by myself, I got a cat though. ( I love him and he is like a child to me, he is my everything. However sometimes he makes the suffocation feeling too)“-

health line. com in an article titled How Anxiety can Cause Shortness of Breath And What You Can Do, reads: “Anxiety is your body’s natural fear response. This is known as the the fight-or-flight response. Your body reacts in physical and mental ways to prepare you to either fight or run from the situation…. You experience chest tightening, shortness of breath, and faster breathing because your body is trying to get more oxygen to your muscles, preparing you to run. Your heart rate increases and you may feel hot as more blood pumps to your muscles, preparing you to fight. All of these symptoms are normal body responses designed to save your life. Of course, you probably aren’t often running or fighting for your life — from wild bear attacks or men with chain saws. But your body still reacts to.. anxiety-provoking events as if you were”-

– when your mother yelled at you, your brain believed that she is about to kill you, so it prepared your body to RUN from her, or to FIGHT her. When she beat you, the same happened. When she locked you in the cold bathroom, your brain believed that you will remain locked until you die from cold, so it prepared your body to break the bathroom door.

Fast forward, being around any person and even your cat for too long activates the same Fight or Flight Response, preparing you to fight (or run away from) your roommates, your boyfriend, your cat.. anyone with whom you feel stuck, at one point or another.

As to the “What You Can Do” part of the article, wha you can do when you feel suffocated, that is, it recommends (1) diaphragmatic breathing (sit comfortably with one hand on your chest, the other under your rib cage, breathe slowly through your nose, feeling your belly moving in and out) (2) grounding techniques (ex. clench one body part, focus on the sensations, clench another, etc.), (3) mindfulness distractions (focus on what you are seeing, hearing, and/ or touching) (4) talk to yourself (ex., say to yourself: I am not in danger, I will be okay) (5) exercise (take a fast walk outside or on the treadmill, if you have one), (6) self-care (ex., drink herbal tea, listen to soft music), (7) shock yourself (ex. a cold shower).

anita