Hello Anita,

Thank you for your reply I really appreciate you trying to help out.

My father was working and bringing money home yes. I would have rathered not having much stuff but have a loving father. He told me that he doesnt know how to react with kids some years ago, he still does not know how to show me love. The thing is I was never able to get angry at my father when I was little either, because he got paranoid schizophrenia when I was 6 years old. He was sick so he had a pass from me all the time. He is taking his medicines for years and he is ok.

How sad it is, that a person leaves behind nothing at all, in his daughter’s mind and heart

Well, I have some memories of him that I cant seem to forget. When he was first getting sick, he was nearly choking me. I was 6 at the time. Luckily some neighbours were with us and they took him off of me. My mum gave me a glass of water, he thought she was trying to poison me and he tried to save me. Well this is at least what they told me, I dont know if this is the truth or not, what else can you tell a 6 year old. I lived with my grandparents or uncle/aunt for some time. My dad knocked their door and yelled that he wants to see his daughter, he was holding tight to a notebook I had, never leaving it(I was writing poems or short stories to that notebook). I also remember my mum telling me that we will see my dad but I must not hug him. But these memories are the only ones I seem to remember. I had problems sleeping at night when I was living with my parents, I still do when I go for a sleepover there. I randomly wake up feeling my dad is watching me and going to do sth. (Luckily this never happened)

while father is extremely passive and doesn’t bother to stop his wife from abusing his little girl.

Yep he was seing it and hearing it but never tried to calm mum down or anything. He was just going to another room and not making any noise.

Everything got even worse when I learned my mum was cheating when I was 13. I saw her texts, saw her plane tickets, even heard her phone talks. Wanted to tell my dad but couldnt, because I felt like if I told him and it triggered his schizophrenia it would be my fault if he does sth. I hated my mum. I always hated lying, I am extremely sincere (maybe too much) and keeping a secret this big affected me extremely. My mum knew that I learned and she told me “are you gonna blackmail me with this, just go tell your father then”. I would never ever blackmailed her but she thinking of this broke my heart even more. I remember feeling extreme pain that I was not able to tell the truth but hoping that my dad was also cheating on my mum at least. So that would be at least a lil bit fair. After years of hating my mum, I no longer hate my mum either. Cant say I totally forgave but I understand that it was not easy for her as well.

health line. com in an article titled How Anxiety can Cause Shortness of Breath And What You Can Do, reads:

I dont know if I can say it as anxiety. I started to have anxiety 3-4 years ago, but that anxiety of mine only triggers when an event happens and it passes, they dont feel in a similar way either. This one never passes, it is not like a panic attack either. It never seems to ease for days, weeks, months. It only eases when I cut contact. During this time my partners actions starts hurting me and disappointing me even more. I understand that I need to break up if I get to the point of hurting my hands by pinching them too strong. ( I hated/ still hate crying, and would never want to cry in front of anyone. So when I was a kid I was looking to the ceiling and pinching my hands very hard, it helps me not cry. My hands burn and they become extremely red with nail marks. This became a habit for me though, and it happens when I am under extreme pressure. The last time this happened was 1 year ago with my last bf so I broke up in the next days)

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Ates.