Dear Anita,

I do not remember if I was having anxiety problems when I was little. I just remember I was happy when I was out of my house and angry, isolated and fed up when I was inside. For ex. I do not remember crying and yelling when I was locked in the bathroom. I was tryig to find the best coping way. I didnt want to show my bad emotions to my mum because she would feel satisfied. Since I knew It was cold I hid a blanket, and a book to not get bored. She was leaving the house after locking me as well. One time she came earlier and I wasnt able to hide back my book she saw I was reading so from that time on she was turning the lights off as well, therefore I started hiding a flashlight as well. There was nothing to do, nowhere to run so needed to find a solution for that scenario. I was not silent either, I knew I was gonna be punished more but I was still responding back to my mum. Not responding meant surrendering for me, didnt want to give her the satisfaction. She was telling me everything was my fault all the time but one time she told me she punctured a needle to my finger when I was a couple months old baby, since I was not eating my food. A baby cant be at fault so I stopped thinking I am the one at fault.

Can you tell me  your definition of the word anxiety?

I was having problems with my boss some years ago. For exapmle when he was calling I was not able to open the phone, I wanted to throw/crash the phone (I am very frugal never harm any possessions I have), wanted to cry, was having cold sweats and rapid heart beats. It was passing as soon as I finish the phone call.

shortness of breath, right?

When I was saying strangle I didnt mean it as shortness of breath. Sorry if it was understood that way, am not a native english speaker. It is more like the thoughts that never leave like I need to leave, I need to go, I need to run away kind of never ending thoughts. More like you need to get air because there is not much air at where you are. Like I can still breath but I just need to go outside type. Maybe better to say as I feel like I am in a cage, chained from my throat, must find a way out of here and run away. I can still take breaths but I feel the pressure on my throat. The differences between this and the prior one are,

• this one is consistent. Prior one it stops but this one it increases and decreases in intensity however never seems to go away if it starts.
• Prior one I dont feel like trapped.
• In prior one I have symptoms like cold sweats etc, this one I have running away thoughts that I can not seem to suppress.

After writing this I actually remembered that I was having the combination of both of these. I was having the prior one during contacting my boss, and I was having the second kind of feeling because I wanted to leave my job but I was not able to. So come to think of it, it was actually a combination of both. In my relationship I only have the latter one though.

I believed(I still do believe) I have some commitment problems. I currently work freelance btw, because I wanted to feel more free. I never liked when someone tells me/orders me stuff to do, mostly I do not listen.