Dear Ates:

“I didnt want to show my bad emotions to my mum because she would feel satisfied. Since I knew It was cold I hid a blanket, and a book to not get bored. She was leaving the house after locking me as well. One time she came earlier and I wasn’t able to hide back my book she saw I was reading so from that time on she was turning the lights off as well, therefore I started hiding a flashlight as well… I was not silent either, I knew I was gonna be punished more, but I was still responding back to my mum. Not responding meant surrendering for me, didn’t want to give her the satisfaction”-

Two things stand out to me in this description: (1) Your mother’s cruelty, (2) Your courage.

I took my time and thought further: “I didn’t want to show my bad emotions to my mum because she would feel satisfied“- a girl who is very scared of her mother, in a home where her father will not protect her, where there is no one to protect her, will show whatever emotions that will satisfy her mother: be it fear, sadness, regret, guilt, shame.. whatever will make her mother stop punishing her.

“I was not silent either, I knew I was gonna be punished more, but I was still responding back to my mum. Not responding meant surrendering for me, didn’t want to give her the satisfaction“- again, a girl who is very scared of her mother, with no one to protect her, will be silent, if silence is what her mother wants. She will satisfy  her mother and surrender (maybe not in spirit, but in action) so to avoid more punishment, more pain.

Your first description of your mother in your 2nd post was this: “mom was depressed and neurotic. Always yelling at me, beating me and locking me to the cold and dark bathroom“- the first adjective you assigned to her is “depressed”, not angry, not violent.

Also, when you currently stay the night at your parents’ home, seems like you are not afraid of your mother, but of your father (“when I go for a sleepover there. I randomly wake up feeling my dad is watching me and going to do sth“).

What was it about your mother that was/ is not very scary?

“She was telling me everything was my fault all the time but one time she told me she punctured a needle to my finger when I was a couple months old baby, since I was not eating my food. A baby cant be at fault so I stopped thinking I am the one at fault“- you were never at fault as a baby, and you were never at fault as a child in regard to the interactions between you and your mother.

I understand that by suffocated, you didn’t mean shortness of breath, but what you did mean (“the thoughts that never leave like I need to leave, I need to go, I need to run away kind of never ending thoughts.. Like I can still breath but I just need to go outside type. Maybe better to say as I feel like I am in a cage, chained from my throat, must find a way out of here and run away“) is still, very much anxiety/ the ongoing fight-and-flight response (there are many symptoms), and therefore the suggestions in the article (1-7) still apply.

anita