Hello Anita,

will show whatever emotions that will satisfy her mother: be it fear, sadness, regret, guilt, shame..

I always hid my emotions, when I was falling down and getting injured I remember I didnt want anyone to think me as weak, therefore was bearing with my pain and saying nah it didnt hurt even a bit, and continue running around. For example when I was around 4, I was going to a preschool. I was very energetic, (hyperactivity level energetic) I was running down the stairs and apparently someone left open a door. I ran into that door and the door handle hurt near my eye. (I still have the wound of it, if it was some mm closer I would probably lose my eye) I remember they give me some ice and it was hurting so much. But we had a music lesson at that time, where we sit near a piano and sing songs. I remember sucking it up and singing as good as I can while pressuring my wound with the ice. (This is probably the oldest memory I am able to remember) So I always had this not showing emotions mentality, cant say I earned it after I got older.

the first adjective you assigned to her is “depressed”, not angry, not violent.

This is due to my now perspective of her, I think her as frustrated and depressed. But of course at that time I wasnt seing her like that, probably better to say cruel, mean and angry.

What was it about your mother that was/ is not very scary?

I was scared of her at first but it was everyday so I got used to it. Her abuse was everyday, either calling me mean names, yelling about anything she can find, and sometimes beating me. Mostly she was telling mean stuff about my personality and then spinning the topic back to her. How she was a victim and I was the bad person. Like I can just leave a comb in another room and she would start yelling and cursing at me, then come near me and continue by looking at my face then tell how she is so unlucky because I was selfish etc. “She was the greatest mom ever, everyone would loved to be her daughter but she got me.” So after some time I got used to it I think. I was sure she was gonna throw some fit, so I was no longer scared. I can say my scare turned into disgust. I was going to do my way whatever happens because I didnt want to obey someone disgusting. We do not have even one similar interest now, we cant chat much without other one getting bored. She is extremely feminine and I am a tomboy. She loves makeup, design, clothes, shopping, I hate all, dont care about any of them. I love talking about games, sports, science. She does not care. So not much to talk, we can watch a movie together if I visit them at least. She was telling me that she wanted to have a daughter so she can do make up on her like an easel, but instead she got me, a small boy. This stuff hurts but you get used to it eventually. And start thinking if a pitiful person like her doesnt like it then I am doing something correct. Maybe not a mature thinking but I was a kid at that time so it is as it is.

is still, very much anxiety/ the ongoing fight-and-flight response (there are many symptoms), and therefore the suggestions in the article (1-7) still apply.

Ok, I will check them out.

Thanks Anita.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Ates.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Ates.