Dear Anita,

For a child/ teenager who spends a lot of time alone with her abusive mother, with no one to protect her inside the home, and no friends/ social support outside the home- getting somewhat used to abuse and rebelling against it would be impossible.

I do not think it is impossible because I am the living proof of it lol. I never had any outside social support either. I had friends yes and I was extremely talkative but I never was emotionally close to them. I was mostly a jokester, never showed my emotions to them either. I was there for them when they needed but I never showed any of my own emotions. They always thought I was extremely careless and also very cold hearted. Some of them stopped being friends with me due to this. I didnt show them any since I dont like sharing and also because I wanted to be their rock and their problem solver when they had problems. Not even one of them knew if I was having a bad day, I was always a goofball. (Now I am open with just one of my friends) I could be crying all night alone at my room but I would never ever show it to anyone the next day. No one suspected a thing.

My only support was my imagination. I was generally daydreaming, always creating adventurous scenarios in my head and playing them. Had my imaginary friends, adventure buddies etc. Didnt matter where I was or when it was, I was always making up completely randomized stories. Can be about an object I see, can be about some words that I hear from someone talking,  Books i read, movies/ tv shows/ documentaries i watched etc. It didnt really matter I would create an imaginary world for me. In high school I had an imaginary crush too.

Come to think of it, if my relationship is starting going badly my imagination acts again generating my imaginary crush back that tells me I should break up this is not working. Even if I suppress my imaginations he comes to my dreams. (I was scared of this happening but now actually I am happy that it was happening. It was an unconscious warning sign for me, we were really not compatible with my exes) The same thing happens if I am feeling lonely as well, I start daydreaming a lot. Didnt consider this before, I need to analyze this more. Since apparently my imagination was my safe place.

limerence is the daydreaming of the lonely child,

You said this before it really makes sense when these all combined. I was also trying to suppress my limerence by reminding myself my imaginary crush. It sometimes worked. It became my last resort though because I was/am scared that I would get used to it soo much that if I meet with someone that I genuinely like I cant stop my imaginations and ruin the chance for a real relationship without not even being able to start probably.

A very self-centered, child-like and cruel woman indeed.

I see it now as she was not ready to be a mother and not everyone should be a parent. However everyone has their own troubles with life. I could have continued hating her but at the end she is a problematic person that was not able to fix by herself and took all her own problems by abusing her child. Yes she traumatized me but if she was a healthy person she wouldnt do this. The people who hurt other people, are hurting inside even more. So I do not understand why and I dont want to help fixing her since it triggers me, but I forgave her. I still think it was unfair what happened to me, however what is done is done and I do not want to be stuck in those memories. I am a grown up woman, I love myself, I care for myself. I am the saviour that I was waiting for and I am trying to be the perfect caregiver to the inner traumatized young me. They both shouldnt be parents but the damage is already done. I took a lot of my time being angry. I am no longer angry at them, I only pity them that they were not able to be wise enough. We are more civil in terms of our relationship, I visit them and spend time with them. When I feel they are starting to be toxic, I just leave. We are not a happy family however we do not have much arguments anymore since we are not much around each other.

I remember you telling me you had similar problems too Anita, I do not know if you are still angry or not. Letting go of your anger is extremely hard, but once you are able to it is extremely freeing. I am disappointed yes, but I can continue on with my life without this burden. It was a hard road but at the end I mostly recovered from these. However I still have other problems that occured from these chilhood events. As in my first message, my limerence problem and my doubts about possibilities of sincere relationships.