Thank you for your reply anita

Defining safety seems easy, but now that I think it seems difficult, well …
My definition of safety is to always be someone to support me whenever I need to. I always felt lonely all my life. I had no emotional closeness to my family. I have been looking for a close relationship with my friends for many years.
Feeling that someone is worried about me. To be happy for me when I am. To  be listened to and noticed. When I am in trouble or I am afraid to have someone to tell. He was all of these. This meant safety for me.

We also had a strong chemistry we both enjoyed. I was not afraid anymore. I always had a hidden fear, but it was gone. I felt I could do anything and not be afraid of anything, even if it had nothing to do with him. He filled an empty space inside me. maybe the space my familly should have filled.

It was only after telling him that I was able to talk about my experience about sexual child abuse when I was only 8. He was the first person I could talk to about this and after that I could magically talk about it more easily. I kept this secret for many years.It was very hard to bear this alone.

Why didn’t I tell my family?
Because I was afraid of their reaction. At that young age, I knew well that saying such a thing to them would cause us to have more stress. I was involved enough in their ridiculous and chaotic relationship at home. plus, I did not want to be looked at as a poor victim. I knew they would think what a  “Terrible” thing has happened to their child! that they would always grieve, and that I might be an example of misery!  Then, instead of being sad for myself, I had to endure their emotions and saddness! The last thing I want up to now is to be looked as a victim.

I have been a supporterof my mother. Listening to things that had nothing to do with me and I should not have been told since I was a child. I defended her against my father if necessary. I was an older sister to my siblings, someone who was available when they were in trouble, and I even if necessarily stood up to my father for them. And even the one my father turned to when he was upset with my mother. Hero child! The others always relied on me, but in my relationship with him, I felt I could rely on him.

Now I feel like I am a little girl who is lost in a big crowded mall and does not know where to go or what to do. scared.

During these 3 years we became platonic friends . we could not meet our sexual needs well but we were close.
I think about the things I said about this relationship. Even if we return, these feelings and problems will bother us and I will be dissatisfied again. But now that we broke up, I am still  sad.
He said that our friendship will not change, but it is difficult for me to remain friends with him, even the thought that he might enter into another relationship will bother me and I do not want to know.

This happened when I was struggling with problems and accepting other feelings. Sometimes I feel like all this is too much for me and unbearable. There is only one little self of me in the face of all this troubles. I will go to therapy and will try to heal myself but only after I find a job.
This should have been a post on emotion mastery. I’m sorry I talked a lot this time too. I complained a lot.

Thanks for reading all of this.