Hi Anita & Teak,

I am still in a fix on what to do, not able to end it completely with him. its not because i am in love or such feelings ..but to be honest i am selfish from my end. vented and dumped my emotional frustrations on him all the time [these are my personal things and not related to him]  He would listen , advise appropriately and try to change my mood. So .. if u can read between the lines  , i am as self centered as him and used him. This brings the response to your questions about my anxious/detachment mentality and as well the pain in my heart.

lost my husband suddenly few years ago, right in front of my eyes. I did move on by changing house, changing work place, got busy with managing my finances and other issues.. all along trying to give my kid a happy childhood.  He was only 3.5 years old at that time. Everyone around me appreciate me for being a strong woman but my inside is not yet healed. I did nothing to give myself a break to process my thoughts or feelings. Developed anxious and insecure attachment now .. not just with a romantic connection, its the same in general too. For ex, you and me travel together for some 8 hours in a bus and u are very good to me. You promise to keep in touch after getting down but could not do that for your own reasons. I will panic, feel bad , not eat food, cry etc. So this is how basically my friendship with that person started. And i realized this with other people too ..like when a colleague moves to another company, i would really feel bad/miss her even though over association was very very small. I have very low self esteem and self worth, don’t know what to do about it. I follow tedx talks, motivational videos and self help books .. trying to implement whatever i can ..but the change lasts for only few weeks and i am back to normal.

At the same time, there’s a detachment . i witnessed my life collapsing in a matter of seconds and now not really invested in any relationship completely. i am scared it may end suddenly , same thoughts w.r.t my family members too. As per my self introspection, i believe this is all result of not mourning much for my loss, did not have much time for anything , i had to really move on quickly for the sake of my son. In these all years i took more leaves for emotional sickness than physical sickness. My parents, siblings, cousins, wonderful friends and colleagues were all  part of my journey and supported a lot. But this inside healing is a lone process . I am okay now for most part of the year but developed some different aspects  which were not part of my personality before the loss.

This guy might be a very bad man, selfish , manipulative or whatever but i am the one who is letting him access to me, owing to my own issues. Both of us know it very well. But on surface level he keeps saying that i am the Queen and doing good to him by keeping in touch.  Teak, he never showed signs of withdrawing. Its only me who is there/not there, talk good one day/cry one day, put boundaries/remove them ..lot of such stuff. I believe he is only representing what i am inside .. unavailable/untrustworthy.. Read somewhere that we attract the same kind of people until we heal ourselves/change our thought. i am insecure around relationships , so may be attracted a guy who is feeding me self worth. I am in a well paying stable job,  manage home and kid all by myself, i exercise, keep myself well groomed, friendly with lot of ladies in my society and office, into spirituality, little hobbies etc.

Please share your thoughts .