Dear Annie:

“Most of the time when I try to talk to my mom, and I am trying to say how I feel or my thoughts, it never fails that she would say things like ‘we are going to argue again’ or ‘okay, you are right. I am wrong’ and it really triggers and angers me so much“-

– It would anger me too because what she is doing is.. refusing to have a dialogue with you, she is refusing to communicate with you about what is troubling you so much. You knock on her door, so to speak, and she slams the door in your face. That’s quite cruel of her: to refuse to talk to her own daughter and alleviate her daughter’s suffering.

“It just makes me shut down and want to retreat to being by myself because I’m not heard or understood“- I understand: she refuses to hear you, she refuses to understand you, and as a result, you feel unheard and misunderstood. In the context of your home, you really are unheard and misunderstood at home: it is really happening.

As far as you re-experiencing being left out and excluded, unheard and misunderstood outside of your home: it will take lots of effort and time for you to (1)  identify the times and situations when you feel that way, but it isn’t really happening, (2) identify the behaviors on your part that sometimes cause some people to not prefer your company, (3) accept the reality that every person, including yourself, has preferences, preferring certain foods, certain music.. certain people, and therefore there will always be people who will prefer other people over you (same is true to me and everyone else).

As far as your sister is concerned: try to understand that she is much younger than you, and that it is a very common theme for a teenager/ young adult to prefer online friends of the same age over a much older sibling and parents.

If you want me to elaborate on #1-3 above, let me know.

anita