Hi Teak,

I finally told him that its the end and he accepted it. I did this exercise multiple times but went back to him and he would be as normal as before without a single question. Ending it finally. Its hurting , few tears too  .. hope i will cope it well in the coming weeks 🙁

Yes, there was lot of hot n cold treatment …. its not like i didn’t notice.. pattern is same right from the first weekend we met ..but sadly i am in a state where i suck for even little attention/love given by anybody. And in the mid of my own traumatic feelings.. i always feel i am wrong and again patch up with him.. its like he might be not available for some days but still he is there when i don’t have anyone else  🙁  i spent sleepless nights thinking i can manage this well like the way he does ..but again to scratch .

yeah, i sought a deeper bond with him, tried bringing up that topic multiple times.  But he gets really uncomfortable around such topics, cannot even meet my eyes if it is a video call. He either diverts the topic or ends the call. But at the same time, did not reject me directly, would keep saying let’s see, we will be together kind of words.  Its me who kept an end to such topics but i did say i deserve truth as a human ; it does not matter its romantic relationship or not. I feel like a stupid to believe such random words and hurt my heart multiple times. But then again i did see real love/admiration in his eyes in the initial months and later on repented multiple times assuming may be i asked for a relationship too soon and he backed out. This i say because i pushed him away multiple times but he still held on to me . He literally worshiped me even past the honeymoon stage of a meeting. Its only possible if he either a psychopath with no emotions or have feelings for me .. other than that why does anyone bears others frustrations in this world. i am shameful to accept that i was quiet abusive few times with him. And he has one strong reason against relationship .. its a long distance one, he will not relocate to home country until his retirement age ..which is probably 25  years from now, he does not want to marry me .. so what’s the use of having a long distance relationship. he also mentioned once trying to have a commitment in a long distance relationship is utterly nonsense. i too agreed with that …. he has his needs and cant wait for 4 months to have it with me .. more over when we know this is how it is going to be until we get old. So there is not even scope for a committed relationship. And he is a decent person, not kind of asking nudes/sexting or anything which i am not comfortable with.  His logic is simple, says we will be good to each other virtually and at the same time have a real life with real people. Sadly , I am not capable of doing exactly what he does.

Any self respecting and self loving person might have gotten out of this long long back .. but it is me here. Right now i am concerned more about my attitude more than anything else. Scared all my relationships might end this way ..me chasing unavailable/shady people thinking this is what makes me happy. I did meet 2 guys in recent times , both of them want relationship but i am scared and blocked them. Strangely i seek a relationship always and when someone who wants it , enters my life, i hide/run away from that person.

Teak, no i did not see any hot cold treatment in my childhood years. Parents gave me the best of everything. But the negative aspect it .. i am emotional even when i was a small girl, tears would swell up even for little things and my mom would comment ‘she always cries for even small things’. Mom never tried to find out the reason. And also i faced couple of sexual harassment as a young girl. So i am extremely closed in some matters. That guy never ever forced me or made me uncomfortable, not even a single instance . if i say no, he would say okay , that’s it.  i felt more safe with him than my own father. My parents shifted to my place after i lost my husband, my father gazes at my body very openly even when he understands its making me uncomfortable, also made 1 or 2 stupid comments. And i don’t understand mom cant notice it or simply pretends not to notice it. I had moved out of this phase with much difficulty , he is much better now but any given day ,  i prefer that shady guy to be safer than my father.  Some of my mental issues developed because of this as well as i was in a situation where i was helpless. You can fight male friends/colleagues/strangers for wrong behavior but its difficult to fight own family members. Now i, my kid stay together and parents in different city. My parents fight a lot, it was same since my childhood. A lot means a lot .. very toxic. their only way of communication is arguing/shouting at each other. They don’t understand each other. I feel i am exactly like my mom, can never understand any man/get emotional intimacy. My father has same kind of behavior when i stayed with them for couple of months after child birth. It was a very disturbing environment for me with their constant fights and this behavior. Luckily i came back to my husband in few months and unfortunately back to them after he passed away.

Guess this explains a bit why i am in such shitty ship .. because it felt 100 times better/secure in some ways.