Dear Akansha:

My efforts to understand at this time: your mother does not like you now (“I don’t think she likes me“), and I think that she didn’t like you then, when you were a child. She liked your younger sister, not you. “I wanted everyone to like me“, you wrote.

Your father was strict back then, “not very open with sharing love“, but perhaps you were looking for your father’s love more than you looked for your mother’s love because you gave up on your mother to like or love you. Maybe because she showed so much preference to your sister while your father did not show preference to either one of his children (?)

You were “always competing” with your younger sister who outshined you. In “the typical South-Asian competitive environment“.. competition is everything, and you lost to her, again and again. She had friends, you did not; she got attention, you did not (“the reason I did those was probably to get attention“).

Fast forward, the recent boyfriend paid you lots of the attention, the lots-of-attention which you craved for, for so long, and you got hooked. “I never trusted someone as much as I trusted him ever in my life“, you wrote. I think that you trusted him so much because you needed to trust love. You needed to believe that you finally won that competition, that you came out of it shining, and the prize: finally.. love!

“It made me question my own judgements and my outlook towards people. Am I always so blind? I have been told I am not good at judging people“- when we have a strong emotional need, or craving, when we desperately need something to be true- we do become blind, or better say: we see what we need to see.

“I tend to choose guys who are quiet and keep to themselves“- the dream is to change a quiet and reserved parent to an expressive and loving parent by proxy, through a substitute (a romantic partner, a guy).

“My mother, on the other hand, I feel like my relationship has deteriorated badly… I never had female friends when I was young. In fact till 2020 I had like 3 female friends.. I am still exploring my relationship with my mother. I have reached to some quick conclusions but I do want to take some time to think about it“- I am curious about your quick conclusions. Seems to me that the relationship with her deteriorated long ago, when you were a lonely child, but your awareness of the long-ago deterioration is newer to you.

About the guy: “His change in behaviour triggered the clingy response in me. I think for the last 1.5 years I did try to do everything to keep us together… I was on autopilot“- as independent as you have been in your life, living in Berlin by yourself, and so much more (being “someone who has build her life around never taking help from anyone”), the clingy little girl has always  been there, in you, and her clinginess, her desperation took over you like an autopilot.

The guy you trusted because you needed to trust love told you: “there is no one as kind, forgiving and wonderful as (you)… (you are) close to Jesus.. (you are) the most important person in (my) life…  You look sexier on your two legs not walking on all fours. You are like a f**** Koala, hanging through my neck. Back off and learn to stand up for yourself. Being needy is not sexy”-

– The rise to the heavens (Jesus) , and the fall into hell (a “f**** Koala”), the elevation of the child to “kind, forgiving and wonderful” and the lowering of her to a sex object.

Right above has to mean a death sentence to any desire to resume a relationship with him, for the sake of the girl in you, for her sake!

anita