Dear caroline1234:

You are welcome.

“I think my main problem right now are the obsessive-compulsive thoughts“: your recurring thoughts are the Obsessive part of what may be your OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), while the forced activity,  Compulsive part of your possible OCD may be this: “I can’t stop to google, and to write in my notes“.

“I think about everything I’ve ever done wrong and try to learn from it and change my behavior“- it is good and helpful to think about what we’ve done wrong so to learn and change our behavior, but to obsessively think about anything is not helpful and it is distressing and harmful.

“I.. start to think again ‘But my boyfriend deserves better, If he would knew aaaall of my thoughts and further actions I’m sure he wouldn’t want to be with me anymore‘”-

– (1) He doesn’t have the time to know all of your thousands of thoughts per day because he has his own thousands of thoughts per day, and he can’t think your thoughts and his own all in the same day, (2) I am sure that he wouldn’t want you to know all of his thoughts. No one would like his/ her thoughts exposed to another person: to live exposed like that would be a torture! We all have the right to privacy in regard to what is going on in between our ears.

“all I can think about is that I am / was a bad person“- would you like to elaborate on this as well as the very low self esteem you mentioned in your original post (“during my entire youth..  My self-esteem was very low“)?

anita