Dear TeaK,

I absolutely want him to pursue his passion of music, and I don’t want to get I’m the way of that. But if I didn’t say anything, he would make music 11pm-7am, then either pass out or get to work late for some other reason, come home late because of that, repeat. He has lost many jobs with these habits, and since he’s lied so much about his drug abuse it’s hard to tell what is healthy music making and what is meth induced obsession. We made a compromise last year that he would tell me ahead of time “hey, this is a music night so don’t expect me to be present”. I said I’d love half of the nights each week to share a bed with him. He has YET to use that system we agreed to, instead telling me he’s coming then never come. And after each fight he brings it up as if it’s a new idea he’s never heard of, confused when I say we’ve been talking about this system for a year, responding with “what’s in the past is in the past, you’re so negative”.

In his car he is on his phone, smoking his cigarettes while texting people and watching videos. Before he would use his garage as a safe spot to go snort, so even if he’s working in his garage it is a stressful place for me.

Yeah, I’ve noticed that – he only responds when I act like how his mother acts. Ask a million times calmly, with him ignoring me, then when I get mad is when he responds begrudgingly and dramatically.

I appreciate everything you’ve said, truly.

I have some news about S.

My therapist told me that maybe an email explaining how I feel, making it clear that I don’t expect anything in response, would be helpful for closure. I did this, saying I meant to meet up last month for closure and that his confessions have confused me, bringing up old emotions. I also told him I wouldn’t be offended if he didn’t respond, that this was just an email for me, and that I miss many aspects of our relationship and previous friendship.

He responded telling me to never contact him again. That he regrets “letting me in” (he was the one who sent me unrequited emails me for the years after our breakup, and my email to him was “I’m open to talk if you are, could we get a coffee?”) and has so much anxiety after seeing me last. He said it was disrespectful to his current gf (I had asked before if she knows, he said yes and that she’s okay with us meeting, and the same goes for M on my end). He said he is frustrated about my dependence on him (even though before this summer I never thought I would see him again and had accepted that).

And his final comment was that he had moved on. This is the comment that I took some time to process. You don’t tell someone you’re still in love with them, that it should be them you’re with, that you imagine getting back together years after the breakup…then a month later say “I’ve moved on”. I’ve had exes contact me while with S, and it didn’t give me anxiety. It was unpleasant, but not a major source of anxiety, because I was actually over them. I see S saying this as bit delusional. I think he is saying this to force himself to get over me, making me the instigator in this situation. When in reality I went into that meeting calm and reserved, while he came in with hugs and telling me he loves me still and tears. My distress was after we went our separate ways, after he had thoroughly stirred my pot.

Additionally, he is friends with all of his exes and has his current gf be friends with them, as he did to me when I was with him, even though he knows it makes her uncomfortable. But why does seeing me once cause him so much stress? I see it as, once again, a sign that he’s not over me. And is scapegoating me as the antagonist in his life, as opposed to his own actions and emotions he needs to work through.

Regardless, it was interesting. Hurtful, but interesting. It makes me feel like a major part of him didn’t change. He did this same thing when he had cheated…messing with my emotions and then blaming me for feeling the after effects, when in reality he couldn’t grapple with or accept his own guilt. In a way that’s closure for me, but it’s still hurtful and frustrating.