Dear TeaK,

Everything you said about S was spot on. I was interested in your interpretation that he tries to retroactively paint himself to be a better person to “clean up” his mistakes and change the narrative gong forward. He absolutely does this. Judging from one of his favourite past times from when we were together – reading books on how to control the room, how to get people to follow you, how to be a boss in any scenario – he seems to enjoy controlling what people can and can’t think or feel of him, with him being at the center regardless. I do see a streak of narcissism in his approach. He had been watching the new Netflix Ted Bundy documentary the night he broke up with me, and he said he feels very similar to Bundy (a worrying statement) – that he loves entering rooms and getting people to notice and care about him, being smiley while judging everyone and trying to figure out how he can get them to do what he wants.

I see this as an extension of that. He feels guilty about the way he acted when we were together, so maybe he gushed all of those emotions at me to make me crack and tell him it’s okay, that he’s clean in my books (which I didn’t do). He makes me the villain because I can’t directly serve him anymore but instead am entering his life in ways he doesn’t want – so he’s writing the story as I’M the threat to his current girlfriend, not his own actions. Very interesting. (Side note, instead of being jealous of her, I’m actually concerned. He is 30 and she is 22, which isn’t the biggest difference…but definitely a more naïve age for a girl than 28). And that is a good comment about him staying friends with his exes – his exes never had feelings for him, really. They were all one night stands or a week of sex with female friends as they took breaks from their boyfriends. And those all ended with the girls saying “that was fun, let’s go back to just friendship now, don’t take it personally”. And I’m the one who actually dated him long term and had a proper relationship with him. That supports your theory that he doesn’t want someone to want anything from him.

Regarding M, him being in the car is definitely similar to a teenager avoiding their parents in their room. And just for more information, the computer to make his music isn’t in his garage, it’s in the living room. So he just goes out to his garage to do….things (previously meth). For hours. Then comes in to start his music hours after he said he would, usually after midnight, and spends the whole night at the computer. That clarification isn’t too important, but it does explain why the garage is a place of stress for me when he disappears there for such a long time.

You have been so supportive, and offered me so much solid advice and comforting words. After M, I worry about the lasting effects. I worry that I will miss red flags, and withhold love for a new partner (very much not my style) in fear that a year down the road I will discover they have been lying either through denial/lack of self awareness or manipulation. The last 7 years of my life have been coloured by 3 men like this, 2 of which have drastically affected my life and mental health.