Hi Anita
I response to your questions:

1. Did she not tell you over the 25 years in what ways you were hurting her… or did she tell you of these ways only recently?

No, she rarely told me how she was feeling.  She came into the marriage with existing trauma and did not confide deep stuff to me, partly because she was already programmed not to, but also because she was afraid of how I’d react.

2. Did you try to change at any time during the past 25 years of the marriage, or is the current time (because she is considering divorce) the first time that you are trying to change?

I tried a few times to change some of the stuff I became aware of, but now a lot.  It was only when she finally opened up about how much pain I’d caused that I started putting in a serious effort and sought counselling and help from behavioural change specialists. It was not long after that that she told me she wanted a divorce – that initially gave me even more drive to change and demonstrate how I wanted to be for her, but the energy to keep up the changes is lagging and her  attitude toward me is still in divorce mode.  That makes it even harder to find the energy and motivation to change – old habits come back too easily, but I still want to be a better person (with or without her) and I still love her and want to save the marriage.