Dear canari:

A few days ago I lost my patience trying to understand you because of what I wrote to you above, Sept 9: “you did not make any more sense than previously, the contradictions remain, the inconsistencies and the … something-is-not-right, something/a lot-is-missing feeling in me remains”.

As I re-read your posts since December 2020 earlier this morning, it occurred to me as clear as day: the extreme contradictions in your descriptions of your ex-boyfriend are a result of Splitting. I am concerned that the following may be disturbing for you to read, therefore, you are welcome to stop reading right now, and if you choose to continue reading, please stop reading at any time if you feel too distressed. (From personal experience with members, I know that when reading something too distressing, members automatically stop engaging in the reading, so I am not too worried, yet I wanted to give you a word of caution anyway):

Here is what Wikipedia has on the topic: “Splitting (also called black-and-white thinking or all-or-nothing thinking) is the failure in a person’s thinking to bring together the dichotomy of both positive and negative qualities of the self and others into a cohesive, realistic whole… The individual tends to think in extremes (i.e., an individual’s actions and motivations are good or bad with no middle ground)…it begins as the inability of the infant to combine the fulfilling aspects of the parents (the good object) and their unresponsive aspects (the unsatisfying object) into the same individuals, instead seeing the good and bad as separate. In psychoanalytic theory this functions as a defense mechanism”.

Your extreme fluctuations in your characterizations of your ex-boyfriend from Good to Bad and back to Good and back to Bad.. can only be explained by Splitting: your inability (so far) to see him as being a whole, cohesive person with desirable/ positive/ good qualities and undesirable/ negative/ good qualities. Instead you see him as Split into two separate images: one Good, the other Bad.

In your December 2020 post you characterized him as Good: he was empathetic and tried to help you, but failed because you were too anxious and difficult: “I was becoming very difficult to be around.. he tried to be there for me,  there wasn’t a lot he could do“.. Fast forward six months, in July 2021, he is Bad: “He is a bad person.. he would never empathize with me“.

Still in July 2021, you rationalized/ tried to make sense of the Split: “The man my hope is attached to is the man he was before he hit rock bottom.. he was selfless and kind.. but unfortunately, he does not.. care about anyone but himself“- he was Good before a rock bottom of some kind, and Bad after.

“I kept bringing up the contradictions of your characterization of him, and you continued your efforts to rationalize/ to explain away the Split: “When I say my ex was very kind and selfless, I only mean he was that way to his loved  ones (1 or 2 people including me), not to everyone else.. He  is only a ‘good person’ with his loved ones.. and with the rest of the world he isn’t“- he is Good to a few people, Bad to everyone else.

The Splitting is not limited to your characterization of him but of yourself as well: “in the beginning.. of our relationship I was not anxiously attached to my partner. I had my own sense of self.. this anxiety only shows up when I’m in a relationship with him“: one image of yourself is that of a calm young woman with a strong sense of self who became anxious as a result of your ex, and another image is that of a very anxious girl and woman, ever since the age of 10, if not before.

Here is another Split regarding your self image, Sept 2021: “before meeting my ex, I struggled with low self-esteem regarding my physical appearance.. But, I still felt appreciated for being myself (my personality)“- one image of yourself is confident and appreciated, another image struggles with low self-esteem. In reality, you are One person with low self-esteem who felt better at one time about her personality than about her physical appearance, not Two people, one who suffers from a low self esteem, and another who enjoys a high self-esteem.

“my ex found my weird personality to be humorous and relatable“- another Split image, a “weird personality”, one to which a different self-image cannot relate to.

Here is a Split in regard to your family: “I feel my family accepts me completely but they don’t fully understand me“- your family is split into two images: one completely accepts you, the other does not completely accept you.

Back to your ex: “with my ex, I felt he understood some parts of me that no one ever understood before… ‘the part of me’ that is my personality.. I feel I have to hide that part of me“- different, split parts= different, split self-images.

In quality psychotherapy, I hope that you will be able to bring all these split parts together and gradually build an understanding of yourself, of each one of your family members, and of your ex-boyfriend as whole individuals. (It’s been a long process for me to do the same, and I made a lot of progress, over time and work).

anita

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