Dear Selkie:

On August 16, 2016, a bit more than five years ago, you posted here for the first time. Your first words were (the boldface feature is my addition): “I’m already in my late-thirties and I’m still hoping to find the answer…  I’ve dealt with severe abuse and bullying all my life. The thing about abuse is- bad treatment becomes acceptable. I didn’t make my first friends until college“-

– Fast forward five years, your mother had a stroke, and “doctors don’t know how much of ‘herself’ she’ll get back. To say this has been devastating is an understatement. I’m no longer hearing her voice every day- and she’s central to my life. The grief has been unbearable sometimes“-

– you “dealt with severe abuse.. your whole life” (Aug 2016), meaning: your mother either inflicted some of that abuse on you, and/ or she did not protect you from others inflicting such abuse on you. You mentioned today “anxiety/complex PTSD reasons“- Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CTSD) is inflicted on a child during childhood. You referred to your father and your mother today, when you wrote: “they were very difficult when I was growing up“.

Your current dilemma: “What if something suddenly happens to my father? How would I care for my mother? I don’t know how much better she will get. I work full-time and I don’t think I would be capable of being a full-time caregiver. Assisted-living would bankrupt me. And als0- when I bring up this scenario to my father, he gets nasty with me.. I would probably have to move back to the family home and hire help for my mother, but…I have very bad memories of my childhood home, and I think I would spiral into a severe mental health crisis if I had to move back there.  I can’t tell my father this obviously, because he denies that he and my mother were ever difficult with me at all while I was growing up.. I can’t sleep. I’m a total mess”–

-my input: based on what I learned in my over six years of daily (often 6-8 hours per day) participation on these forums, communicating with many, many hundreds of members since I communicated with you: is that it would be a very bad idea for you to move back to your family home: it would be a recipe for a mental-health disaster for you. Neither your nasty father, nor your mother- despite her stroke- is worthy of your mental health being sacrificed. I am guessing that no matter how much you do for them, your father will not be pleased.. and your mother- it may make no difference to her, what and how much you sacrifice. And so, all your loving sacrifice will be for nothing.

I understand that your current life circumstances are far from perfect (“No friend circle”, etc.), but you do have a full-time work, you live (still?) in a big, relatively thriving city. Making your life circumstances worse by quitting your employment and moving to your childhood home.. or getting bankrupt otherwise-  that would result a significant deterioration of your mental health, as you suggested yourself today (“I think I would spiral into a severe mental health crisis if I had to move back there”).. and all for nothing.

What do you think (?)

anita