Dear Selkie:

“I realized how removed from reality I’ve become regarding my parents’ effects on me“-

– a child, unable to change the negative circumstances/ the reality of her childhood home, minimizes her perception of those negative circumstances, cognitively and emotionally removing herself from the reality of her childhood home, best she can. It is natural to do so. The physiological purpose of such denial is to lessen the child’s anxiety. Fast forward, the adult-child is stuck with this mindset until adequately healed, not seeing reality as it is, not in the context of the childhood home, and not outside this context.

“I should pick up the pieces of what’s left of my life and make something meaningful of it“- this is the personally and socially responsible thing to do, and it will include more healing on your part.

“I’ve been raised to believe that social responsibility only equals filial responsibility. And filial responsibility is putting up with your parents’ abuse no matter what- because they’ve financially provided for you”

– so the message is that a child’s role, all the way to  adulthood and through adulthood, for as long as any of the parents is alive, is to take the parent’s abuse; the parent spends money on the child, and the child owes the parent the privilege of abusing the child forevermore. In this kind of a filial deal, a “filial responsibility”, the parent gets to enjoy her/his sense of power over the child (at all ages), fearing no consequence, protected by a culture that supports this abuse of power.

The abusive parent does not care about how the child feels.. figuring that the child herself will later get to enjoy such power over her own children. And so, abuse begets abuse, and abuse of power in our world, in so many contexts is so widespread that our whole world is nearing its end as climate changes, politics, disinformation and corruption abound. This kind of “filial responsibility” equals  grave social irresponsibility.

“I know how disturbing my viewpoint sounds, and I didn’t even realize the extent to which I’ve held it until typing it up now“-

-the concept of filial responsibility where abuse is included is powerful: it keeps the abused in the dark, blind to reality, it protects the powerful short-term at the long-term expense of all of us.

“I’m now looking at groups and online dating to get involved with people again“- in a big city, online dating can be very effective, if you go about it wisely.

“the scary thing is- a part of me read this and thought- ‘parents do have the right to inflict damage on you because they gave you life.’ I know how incredibly messed-up my mindset is, but it’s what I’ve grown up with“-

– this is the dominant societal/ cultural message we all grow up with to one extent or another. I know of a person who strongly advocates against this message for other people, repeatedly telling other adults to hold their parents responsible for abuse, to no longer accept abuse, but in her own private life, she still takes abuse from her mother.

In regard to the message itself: “parents do have the right to inflict damage on you because they gave you life”- (1) they don’t give life, they simply have sex and physiology produces life, same as it happens to reptiles, birds, and other mammals. Talking about other animals, they don’t normally inflict damage on their off springs.  But humans often do.. it’s a human tradition, (2) if you own an inanimate object that has no emotions and which is incapable of experiencing pain, like a cardboard box, you have the right to cut it, flatten it, burn it. But if you “own” a living-breathing-feeling child, you don’t have the right to.. cut the child, or flatten it, or burn it, not physically and not emotionally.

“I’ll be referring to this thread a lot when I’m feeling trapped by my parents again- as will inevitable happen again at some point“- no doubt it will happen again, and maybe it already happened before you read this message. Anytime you want to talk to me here, please do.

anita