Dear Anna:

You are welcome. You wrote in regard to him taking anti-depressants: “7 months seems to be a pretty long period, isn’t he supposed to see clear results by now?“- yes, there should have been clear results (him feeling noticeably better) in 4-6 weeks if he is taking anti-depressants of the popular SSRI group.

Since April 2021, you shared that your relationship with him, a 23 year old student living with his parents and 2 younger siblings, started at about October 2020. There were ups and downs from the beginning of the relationship and a couple of months into the relationship, in Dec 2020, the two of you broke up for a month. He was significantly depressed since Nov or Dec 2020. A pattern of withdrawal was established where “he stops talking for days and sometimes for weeks without any reasons. He just comes back like if nothing happened.. One month he is feeling ok and two weeks later, he withdraws again.. withdraw when things start to get tough“.

He “went to see many neuropsychiatrists” regarding his mental health and was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) in March 2021. He has attended months of therapy, and has been on anti-depressants since his diagnosis with no noticeable improvement.

During one of his ups not long ago, the two of you were “extremely fine together, talking about moving in together“, but then you saw him “starting to feel down and getting in another depressive phase” during which he started to “literally overthink about his sexuality“. He has been expressive feminine habits and behaviors ever since you met him, liking feminine clothing and being extremely sensitive.

At his “very traditional family” home, his mother is the dominant of the two  parents, strict and pushy, “pressuring him about school“, and communicating to him somehow that she thinks of him as gay or trans.

You stated and asked: “because of his very traditional family, he kind of hid himself, feeling ashamed because he liked feminine clothing and because he was/is extremely sensitive. If his depression is hitting hard right now, I guess all of what I just stated is a pretty big trigger for him?“-

– I am sure that his home is triggering him negatively on a regular basis. His mother is the masculine (dominant) of the two parents, and his father is the feminine (submissive) one of the two. Your boyfriend’s empathy is with his submissive father (“He has a good relation with his father, although it is not him who leads the family“), and, reads to me, he is angry at his mother for dominating his father and himself. Feeling ashamed of his feminine habits and behavior is fueled by his mother’s criticism and societal criticism, and his shame is part of what I referred to earlier as his emotional constipation (depression).

You asked: “Is there a way for him to find himself except the use of anti-depressant or therapy? He is extremely down to earth..  very scientific“- he needs to live away from his parents’ home.. but seems like he doesn’t want to move in with you. Maybe he is motivated to stay home so to.. protect his submissive father or to keep his father company, so that he is not alone with the bossy, pushy, masculine woman who is.. somewhat terrorizing them both. Maybe.

About yourself, you wrote: “I went through depressive phases which led me to go to hospital due to suicide attempts“, and that during the Dec 2020 break in the relationship, you felt this: “I felt like a complete wreck. I can’t imagine my life without him“-

– we’ve been talking about him, but you are very much a part of.. your story. Your mental health matters, it needs to be attended to, and you need to make choices for the benefit of your own physical and mental health. Can it be that you prefer to focus on him, on his troubles, his life, his story..  because it is easier than focusing on yourself and on your own life circumstances?

anita