Good morning TeaK,

Last night hurt (and continues to hurt) more than I anticipated. After I told her that I was taking a job and leaving, she cried and said that she needed to go for a drive. We spoke on the phone later, and she confided in me that she is more upset that I didn’t give her the option of possibly going with me and seeing where the relationship went. However, I did not confide in her that I’d done that before and it did not work and it would not be fair to her. She wanted to know why I did not want to maintain the relationship: “Is it my dogs? My looks? I’m too needy? Not fun? My politics? Or you just want to check out the dating pool there? Just why you don’t want a relationship?” I did not respond, because I simply do not know. And she is vulnerable and any criticism I would have offered would have stuck and she would carry it on to future relationships.

She continues to text this morning: “I’m so torn…my head says I should just start hyper dating a bunch of losers and try to get over you and move on but my heart says I should take whatever time we have and make the most of it. That’s what I want. Time is so short & who knows what tomorrow will bring and why quit something that makes me happy? P.S. don’t respond. I’m just getting stuff out.” She warned me early on that she didn’t want to fall for me and wanted to keep me at arm’s length, and there is some anger inside her that I didn’t do a better job at keeping some distance. I could have been honest about leaving here from the start and possibly saved her some heartache, so that weighs on me.

To answer your questions, TeaK… Been diagnosed with dysthymia, major depressive disorder, anxiety, and I suffer at times from anhedonia. Had severe self-esteem issues as a child, and others have suspected some traumas experienced as a child that I do not recall. I did not date growing up, and being married with a child at 20–then divorced a few years later–after braces and a better diet and exercise, I began to “grow” into myself. I dated several women with emotional issues–one attempted suicide and another, sadly, was successful. Married the girl who had attempted suicide near the end of our marriage. After her, I tried to be more…selective, which may have contributed to my unwillingness to connect on a deeper level with them. This likely fed into the belief that there may be someone better just around the corner.

I do see the immense value in a companion (or lifelong partner). I could say that I’ve been too focused on myself to put in the work necessary to build a deep, lasting relationship. I am highly self-critical–and critical in general, though I try to keep the criticisms to myself. I find when a relationship runs into trouble, I perhaps do not value it enough to put the work in to fix it. A romantic relationship means being wholly vulnerable and open, which is something I’ve been unwilling to do. There’s a commitment and an intimacy that I cannot seem to maintain.

I keep waiting for the “one” or the person I feel a deep connection with, and maybe I don’t give it time to develop. There is so much about myself that I feel needs work, but I continue to date and ultimately hurt them in the end. All the while, time flies by and I move closer and closer to 50.

I am seeking fulfillment in someone else, but all the while, I’ve never truly found it inside myself. I grow impatient and frustrated and meet someone who soothes those feelings for a time. Meanwhile, I am filled with feelings that I’m not stable enough for this world and feeling that I’m always a step away from failing at work. I’m simply not happy and fear this job and the move will not make me any happier.

My apologies as this response was all over the place.

Ryan