Dear TeaK,

I understand what you’re saying and appreciate it… And my response may be better suited for another Tiny Buddha forum.

I don’t think that I’m leaving before the nurse sees my inadequacies. I really enjoyed her company, but at the same time, I realize that I used her as an escape in a sense. My weekends here largely consisted of grocery shopping and the occasional weekend getaway, but it was nice to include someone else in my life. Obviously, it made for less lonely times for the both of us, but I knew it would come to an end. (Thought I’d end up relocating sooner than I plan to.)

The thing is, I think she would accept me for my who I am, with all (self-perceived) flaws. But to be honest, I don’t think I could do the same for her. She is intelligent, fun, and a good person, but there are things about her appearance that I do not care for and her politics are 180 degrees from mine. I fear that both would weigh on me as time went on.

And I convinced myself that leaving Appalachia and taking a job with a bigger organization was the right path for me. I set that path in motion last year and ended up getting the job in late March 2021. I’ve just been dragging my feet on my move since the cost of living here is significantly cheaper and we were teleworking for the foreseeable future. Unfortunately, my mental health these past few years has not been grand. Even with counseling and SSRIs for a time, I continue to suffer from an inability to concentrate and focus, decreased retention, and general malaise. The fear of failure comes from not living up to the stellar employee I used to be in previous careers. There are metrics that have to be met in federal employment, and I have been “pulled aside” a few times for a pep talk about meeting expectations. Now, I’ll be leaving for a new city soon for a job that really isn’t that different than the one I left. Having served in the military, received my graduate degree, and working a “good job,” people see me as successful and drive. All the while, I feel very subpar and average these past few years.

To circle back, I guess I cannot expect anyone to see and accept my flaws when I truly cannot accept them myself.