Dear OrangeHeart:

I am looking for the reason or reasons why you feel like you do regarding your boyfriend touching you, not necessarily sexually (“when my partner touches me- not even sexually, just touching my legs or my neck or anything.. it makes my skin crawl sometimes“), using what you shared in your three threads:

1) “My mum is quite abusive towards my dad and brings him down to nothing at any chance she gets. She done the same with my sister and I growing up.. She gets incredibly angry over nothing all the time, I used to be terrified of her as a child!“- it is possible that when your abusive mother touched you, any kind of touch, you felt uncomfortable, panicky perhaps, like your skin crawled (your skin almost literally trying to crawl and  move away from her touch). Maybe her touch made you feel like she was bringing you down to nothing.. or that the same hand that is touching you can also hurt you? Fast forward, you project this experience to your experience with your boyfriend. Is it possible?

2) “I do get stressed out being around people too long..  It is definitely getting on top of me not having my own space though“- you get stressed out around people, and your boyfriend is.. people. When you are around him for too long, you need to get away from him. When he touches you, there is literally zero space between him and you, and your skin crawls, trying to move away from his touch. Is this a possibility?

3) “I definitely need to work on being more assertive… I’m definitely too passive! …I’ve always put my needs and wants second to the point that I actually don’t even have needs and wants!.. I always just do what someone else wants!.. I just doubt myself so much, I’ve been really going against my gut feeling for ages“- it is possible that being touched, particularly sexually, makes you feel too passive, like you are doing (or perhaps more accurately:  letting him do), what he wants to do.. almost without your consent. Not being aware of what you need and want, you may not be aware that you want him to touch you, or that you want to have sex with him. So, although you did not say No to him.. you didn’t say Yes, either, at least not wholeheartedly. Is this possible?

4) Maybe being touched by him and having sex with him feels like you are putting him first and yourself second- and that makes you angry. We don’t like to be touched by someone we are angry with. Is this possible?

anita