Dear Emma:

You mentioned that he is a middle eastern man. I happen to be from a middle eastern country. I was there when I was 18, the age a girl is legally a woman, all the way to 24. That was a long time ago, but my experience then may help you in regard to your experience now, as cultural trends do not change that fast.

Although I heard of good men, from 18-24, in the context of dating- I didn’t come across one. I now know of men back there who are good and decent, I really do. But back then, I didn’t know much about anything in regard to how things work. The first man to sexually pursue me was a much older married man, a president of a company for whom I worked, starting at the age of 17 and a half. When I turned 18, he told me that he waited for me to turn 18, so that it is legal for him to (sexually) pursue me. He wore a wedding ring, but it did not equate to Monogamy, not for him. And he had no concern for my mental and emotional well-being. All he cared about was that youth turned him on sexually, and he wanted his sexual desire satisfied. What would the cost be for me? That was not his concern.

You wrote: “I knew I wanted to go slow physically in order to build intimacy and also due to my own sexual trauma from the past. (I can say “no” in the moment when I mean it, but if I am pushed further after I say “no” I lose the ability to fight back and I freeze. I let him know of this.)“- in my experience, men were not interested in (1) building intimacy, 2) a woman’s emotional well-being, her past, present or future, in her needs, hopes or dreams.

Truly, very often, a woman was a body to be used sexually, and nothing more. A man was expected at some point to get married to a virgin, a respectable woman who escaped the fate of “loose and immoral” women whom he used earlier. But the man was not expected to.. not pursue other women while married.

A woman’s NO meant Not Yet, so the man gives her a few moments and tries again. For many, when a woman said NO, it meant: I am pretending to be hard-to-get, do you want to play my game?.. come and get me! And the man, if he had the time and patience to play a game, and moreover, if he enjoys playing this particular game.. he will play it.

In my time, a man did not require a woman to say YES. If she didn’t resist him he continued until sex was accomplished. If she said NO, he still continued. Only if she said NO Loud and Clear with a hint of Aggression- then he would Stop.. for the time being. In his mind, she is playing the game for as long as she avails herself to him in any way. (According to the American law definition of Rape- in the middle eastern country I was in, rape was commonplace).

You wrote: “at first he would not stop when I said no, and keeps trying. Then his words don’t match his actions in the moment, he reassures me the opposite of what he is doing. Then if I say no, he asks for innocent things first and works his way up to what he wants like a ladder“- seems like things haven’t changed in the middle eastern culture: a NO does not mean STOP, it means PROCEED (“keeps trying”). In the middle eastern culture, negotiating is the ongoing practice not only when it comes to sex and dating, but also in commerce: a customer is never to accept a stated price of an item, and is always expected to negotiate the price down. Similarly.. a man is never to accept a woman’s NO and negotiate it down to ..a silent, compromised YES.

“I realized shortly after, there is a cultural and communication difference between us (his is middle eastern). And just lying in a bed with him must have given mixed signals of what I wanted“- when a woman is lying down with a man in a bed, that’s a clear invitation to play the game, in the mind of the man. Step by step, like in a ladder that you mentioned, the Prize at the top of the ladder is the completion of a sexual act to his satisfaction.

“He always says he is very dumb and slow sometimes yet he is intellectually brilliant and intense.. he is very sweet“- he is brilliant enough, unscrupulous enough and exploitative enough.. to say whatever it takes to get to the Prize, and to be as sweet as can be.. so to get the Prize.

“I am happy with the physical relationship now, it is very good.. The only thing that bothers me is he seems to never consider my opinion, but I consider his”– you need a man who will not only consider your opinion but respect it, honor it.. ask for it, listen to it. You clearly need more than a physical relationship.  You need more + he does not need or want more =  he is in power.

“I have this fear in my head that in the future I may be pushed into doing extreme things, if he is the kind of person who pushes and I am afraid to keep fighting to say no.. because I was so independent, it didn’t bother me when he didn’t reply for hours, or chose to go on a trip without me”- maybe he will push for more extreme sexual acts with you, but more likely, when he is away from you, not replying to you for hours and going on a trip without you: he is pushing other women for regular sex.

“I do not know right from wrong… and I feel stuck until I know what is right.. and I am more willing to compromise on most things. So I always am the one to compromise or change“- likely he figures that if and when you find out that he is not monogamous, that you being already confused about right and wrong- you will compromise on your value and expectation that two people in a romantic and sexual relationship should be monogamous.

anita