Yes I indeed think that there is something wrong with hiding his girlfriends. Maybe it’s the thought of being free and having no commitment.

I certainly have either abandonement anxiety or something similar to that. These days I am working on journaling to heal my inner child, a process I’ve begun before all this started. And I think it was the perfect time for this. But I can’t remember how I’ve felt when I was really young, but I do remember how I’ve felt when I was 13-14, and in my late teenage years. I had a lot of fighting with  my dad, we never spoken and never had a close relationship father-daughter. He would be so mad that I was having a boyfriend and that time and even if it was not about the boyfriend he would be angry and giving me silent treatment about something. He always expected of me to be perfect, well behaved and have perfect grades. I do remember being scared if I told him I’ve got 3 (that’s equivalent to C grade). I would be punished often and I was not able to go on picnics and friends hangouts when I was 12-13 because I was still young. And while everyone was hanging out I was staying at home. I also remember that I often felt not understood at home. I’ve never had close relationship with my parents and our love language is not physical touch at all. Sometimes, even today if my dad hugs me I don’t feel anything loveable I feel cold and weird in that situation and it bothers me.

Previous years, I had a trauma because my parents were fighting very bad at one point. There was one night with a very dramatic fight including words like: suicide, divorce, you don’t love me, you don’t need me (my fathers’ words). My sister was little at that time maybe 13 I don’t remember but I was so devastated and angry at my father because I still vividly remember the shock and scare he gave my sister. There was no fighting (meaning physical fight) but there was dramatic pushing, running, going away with his car and not calling back. Total disaster that escalated to feel cold towards my dad.

I am sad that they are this way and I acknowledge that I can’t be responsible for their action and feelings but their over protective attitude almost ( I can’t think of the world in english, we use it kept as in glass bell = meaning overprotective even dangerous for the kid because they don’t let anything happen to him). Because of that overprotectivness I think I had that self esteem issues, thinking that I am never good enough and being perfectionist. I developed OCD and that actually reflected in my relationships. And because of every fight my parents have and the threats that my dad will leave that leaves me to believe that is the biggest problem of having abandonment issues.

About the relationship patterns I’ve noticed that I am always drawn to boys that are patriachal even though they are the last thing I want to be with me. I’ve also noticed that my relationship were always somehow forbidden and hidden. For example:

1. My first boyfriend, I was forbidden to be with him because I was young (13 years) and his grandad was a serial killer. I know very ironic and bad situation, but they were afraid that he is brining the DNA with him. So, we were hiding a lot.

2. My second boyfriend, who I was with the most and my ex that recently texted me, we had a very bad relationship. I believed he was a narcissist but I am afraid that I may also have narcisstic traits. I’ve written about my ex 3 years ago here and it was a troublant relationship with a lot of break-ups, ignoring, bad words and emotional abuse I believe. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to be with me but kept going back to me and after some time he would say oh, I don’t think this is working. I feel very anxious and bad with you. And because of our numbered getting back together I became being afraid and ashamed to tell anyone we are back together. That led us to this situation now, even if we are grownups now we can’t be together because of other opinions including my parents.

3. There was a fling between these break ups and meeting my friend as a lover, where I personally, by choice hide the relationship in some way. Maybe because I was thinking that me and my ex would be back together. The boy was doing everything to make me happy, he was sincere and he would do literally everything, but I was not attracted to that. So after month of dating my ex showed up and I dumped this boy to be back with my ex who broke up with me again after sometime.

4. And my friend-lover, who was also hiding the realtionship. He seems very reasonable, grown up person, but with this choices I think he has his own traumas that he hasn’t be working on. He seems to be narcissist as well and patriachal so much. He doesn’t even know how to make coffee! In other areas he is well behaved and everything but when I think, I’ve never known about previous of his relationships. I just know about his ex, my friend also, because I asked him and his sister suspected. His family even doesn’t know about that!