Dear Dave:

“I definitely bring the anxiety from my mother into relationships with women, as I am hyper aware of their feelings and try to work out if it is something I’ve done wrong which might have upset them, if that makes sense?“- it makes sense to me because (1) a young child is naturally self-centered, believing the world revolves around him and when his mother is upset, it must be something he (the child) did wrong, (2) a child needs his mother close to him, comforting and supportive, and when she is not, the child feels anxious, (3) an anxious child needs his mother so desperately, that he is hyper aware of her feelings, and when he detects that she is upset and distant, he is ready to do everything in his power to make her feel better and close.

“I try my best to be there for the people who need me, and especially the women in my life. I still am there for my ex partner, we are still friends, but I would drop anything to be there for her if she was hurting“- when you detected that your mother was hurt/ upset, your first priority was to make her feel better. Fast forward, as an adult, when you detect that a current or past romantic partner is hurt, it becomes your first priority to make her feel better, and you’ll drop anything to make it happen. Dropping anything to he there for a woman is a habit that started when you were a child, in regard to your mother, a habit that and extends to romantic partners.

“Today has been a tough day, feeling like I don’t want to hurt anyone I’m dating, but also feeling like I need someone’s support, I feel a bit paradoxical“- I think that the paradox is a combination of (1) the child that you were needing your mother’s support and closeness (“I need someone’s support“), (2) your mother was not present enough, and not supportive and close enough when present, (3) you believed that she was not close enough because you hurt her somehow (“I don’t want to hurt anyone”/ “fear of hurting her“- in the title of your thread).

The conflict seems to be that (1) You are anxious and you need a woman’s closeness to calm you and comfort you, but (2) when in a relationship, you don’t trust that the woman will be close to you for long, you are hyper alert and anxious, anticipating that she will be distant any time, experiencing minor expressions of distance on her part (ex. let’s say she’s tired and needs alone time) as major, I imagine.. believing that when she’s distant, it is because you did something wrong, that you must have hurt her somehow.. and overall, a relationship that is supposed to calm and comfort you ends up causing you even more anxiety than when you are alone.

“I feel I’m also at the age as a man who shouldn’t be reaching out to my mother for so much support“- if you are currently receiving emotional support from your mother, it’s too late to work for you beyond a moment here or there: too late to change the very inadequate support you received from her during your formative years of childhood.

“I have been through stages in life where I’ve been given validation (women finding me attractive etc), and have felt great self esteem“- a self-esteem moment here, a self-esteem moment there.

In regard to the second part of your post, giving me your excellent input regarding my mother/ my life, you wrote: “I hope you are finding this helpful? I obviously don’t want to keep asking you questions if you are not finding it useful. Please let me know if there is anything specific you would like to work on?“- yes, I find your input helpful. Thank you for your empathy, understanding and sensitivity: I can see that you have a lot of experience giving emotionally supportive input to your mother and to your romantic partners.

I don’t want to continue to separate our communication to your mother/ your life.. and my mother/ my life. When I attend to your life and your childhood relationship with your mother, in my own mind I go back to my life and my childhood relationship with my mother, and that’s helpful to me. I do this with other members as well, and I don’t really have to discuss my life separately. I’d rather focus on your life experiences from here on. If I would like to address my life/ my mother with you in the future, I will let you know.

anita