Dear Pam:

Wikipedia on the topic of covert incest aka emotional incest: “Covert incest is described as occurring when a parent is unable or unwilling to maintain a relationship with another adult and forces the emotional role of a spouse onto their child instead”. Pam (the boldface feature next, and in the rest of this post is my addition): “I.. have no close friends… I am married but I have depended much more on my daughter, and sometimes my son, for emotional support than my husband“.

Wikipedia, definition of covert incest: “an emotionally abusive relationship between a parental figure and child that does not involve incest or sexual intercourse, though it involves similar interpersonal dynamics as a relationship between sexual partners”. Pam: “My love language is words of affirmation. My daughter (is)…  more of a ‘thinking’ personality than a ‘feeling’ one… I’ve always ‘needed/wanted’ from her an affirmation of her love and support and felt as if I’ve rarely gotten it… Two years ago, I was… sick for a year. During that time… she was completely everything I’ve ever needed and wanted from her. We were very close, communicated constantly and she wanted to be with me all the time…  She told me… how she couldn’t do it without me, how she never wanted our relationship to go back to what it was, how she loved spending time with me, etc… I don’t feel the closeness and comfortableness with her that we used to have; it seems awkward when we’re together and I cry all the time“.

The rehab. com: “The phrase ’emotional incest’ can be a bit misleading… The word ‘incest’ usually refers to sexual acts, but emotional incest isn’t sexual. Instead, it’s a relationship between family members that’s psychologically inappropriate. Most commonly, emotional incest occurs when a parent is lonely and treats their child as a partner… The American Psychological Association defines covert incest as a form of emotional abuse. The adult is prioritizing their needs over the child’s, at the expense of the child’s mental well-being”. Pam: “I’ve always felt a need to control her…  I’ve always “needed/wanted” from her“,etc.

The rehab. com, continued: “A covert incest relationship can take many forms, including: …  The parent feeling jealous when the child develops relationships with others. This can cause the child to feel guilty about external relationships and avoid building friendships or romantic relationships”. Pam: “she has recently become friends with a family that she has a lot in common with… and she spends a lot of her time with them, including the mom. I am aware that I have jealous feelings regarding this and don’t understand why she needs a mother-figure when she has me“.

More from the rehab. com: “emotional incest can cause severe issues within the family dynamic. The child may struggle with a love-hate relationship with their parent, both in childhood and later in life”. Pam: “My 34-year-old daughter and I have always had a head-butting type of relationship… she has always fought back… She explained to me that she needed space, that the tighter I held to her, the more she felt she needed to pull away… she is, at times, a little terse and abrupt with me… she is a little short with her answers to me“.

Back to the rehab. com: “Healing from an Emotional Incest Relationship: Both the parent and the child will need to heal from an emotional incest relationship. The parent should seek therapy so they can get help establishing and respecting boundaries with their children. They’ll also have to find a new, healthy resource for emotional support, such as a friend. Children will also need to work on healing from covert incest abuse. Many children who have gone through this experience move far from the parent in an attempt to get away as an adult. However, this isn’t a long-term solution as the parent can still reach out and break boundaries with phone calls, visits, emails, texts and other means of contact”.

Psychology today. com: “It is not a recognized clinical diagnosis and does not refer to inappropriate sexual contact, but the term ’emotional incest’ (also known as ‘covert incest’) is sometimes used to describe parents who are unable to maintain healthy boundaries with their children. Such parents may be living with mental illness, substance abuse, an unhappy marriage, or divorce. In essence, such parents feel alone and unloved, and rather than seek support from other adults, they turn to their children for intimacy and care. They may burden children with their own needs, constantly seek their validation, become emotionally or psychically clingy, or try to control the child”. Pam: “I’ve always felt a need to control her… I also have no close friends”, etc.

More from Psychology today: “Emotional incest leaves a deep scar on a child’s experience of closeness and intimacy; specifically, they struggle in intimate relationships as adults. Signs of enduring this dynamic include: Difficulty sustaining intimate relationships”, etc. From the rehab. com: ” Children with emotional incest syndrome are at a higher risk of: Eating disorders, Self-harm, Relationship dissatisfaction, Feelings of worthlessness or inadequacy, Difficulties prioritizing their needs because they become so used to caring for another, Sexual intimacy issues, Substance abuse, Compulsive behavior, Problems maintaining boundaries with people”.

I will close this post with addressing Pam: I am the product of Emotional Incest. I suffered from the misfortune of being born to an emotionally incestuous mother. Please take this information here to your therapist. The lifetime damage done to a child by an incestuous parent is massive. It is not only you who need psychotherapy, but also your daughter and your son. Please understand: your children were not born so to take care of your emotional needs, to make you feel loved, to make you no longer feel lonely. You were supposed all along to take care of them, of their emotional needs, not the other way around.

anita