Hey Anita,

Growing up my dad did his best, but was not emotionally there for me a lot of the time and it hurt. He had told me we were going to space and took me to a local airport. He had someone in their put a note under the door saying that it was too windy. That devastated me and although he is a loving person, he was not able to understand that this was not something that I was not able to process myself.

Looking back there were things which seemed innocent at the time or normal but it was not. He had me smell his underwear, bath with him, kiss me on the lips in public, and slept naked with me and my mom. When I told him I was done bathing with him I could sense that he was sad that time came to an end. Things like that lead me to question my morals.

I am learning to forgive him for these actions. To put it simply I don’t think he understood how to parent in a manner that was healthy. I believe he is a good person.

When it comes to my shame with my mom, I feel ashamed that I haven’t made more progress than I have. I think about my time in treatment and I have come forward in a sense, but I haven’t addressed my trauma or my struggle with my identity or my family dynamic. Looking back I am not sure I was ready to do that. I had so many thoughts going through my mind and things I was working on. But I know she is upset.

I have exposed myself to trauma out of pure stubbornness and self-hatred. I was first conscious of this when I was in the second facility. I was trying to deal with issues and also just wanted to enjoy life. For example, laughing at a tv show with other people around me was traumatizing. Going to the third facility, I noticed my legs starting to move even more and just thought well it is what it is. I was more focused on dealing with how people saw me as opposed to how I truly was as an individual.

Now I am in the grief stage, which feels relieving. I have thought about relationships with other people and the things I can do with my life. I feel pain for the simplest things. I think I can eventually overcome it, but it is painful to lose out on things that could have been avoided.