Dear Carson:

I am so sorry for all the emotional pain you experienced so far in life, and I very much hope that your pain lessens and lessens… until living feels so much better for you: imagine that someday, all that shame will be gone! Imagine feeling good inside!

What you experienced in regard to your parents has been devastating for you, and it would devastate any child in the same situation. No child can go through what you went through and be okay. But you can become okay, over time.

For a person to feel okay, to no longer be tormented by shame, guilt, anger, confusion and despair, a person has to see reality clearly, just as it is. There are realities that are too painful, too scary to see- so we 0nly partly see them through thick fog. Mental health (becoming okay) is about clearing that thick fog, little by little, and then, clearly seeing what’s there.

Here is a clear spot in the thick fog in regard to your father, combining what you shared about him in your two threads: “I think he is in denial of his sexuality… He had me smell his underwear, bath with him, kiss me on the lips in public, and slept naked with me”.

I am so sorry, Carson. You see, don’t you, that your father sexually abused you, that he chose to do these things because it excited him sexually.

“When I told him I was done bathing with him I could sense that he was sad that time came to an end. Things like that lead me to question my morals“-questioning your morals is the fog in your eyes. It is his morals that are bad, not yours!

*** When you were old enough to make thoughtful choices and to assert yourself with your father, you put a stop to the bathing: this means that your morals are not questionable. Your morals are good!

Before you were old enough to be able to assert yourself with him, it was not possible for you to stop the bathing, to stop the sleeping together, etc.: no young child can do that because for a young child, the father is a superior, powerful being… all-knowing, all-good, all-powerful. A young child will not dare disobey such a being.

“I don’t think he understood how to parent in a manner that was healthy. I believe he is a good person“- clearing the fog: (1) He was not a good person to you, (2) He sexually abused you not because he didn’t know how to parent, but because it excited him.

Your mother didn’t stop the sexual abuse. She allowed it to happen, and then, it seems like she … was surprised or disappointed that it affected you negatively.

“I am really ashamed when it comes to my relationship with my mom…  I want to tell her that I have not gotten much better, but I am afraid that will damage our relationship… When it comes to my shame with my mom, I feel ashamed that I haven’t made more progress than I have“- the fog makes you think that it is your fault that you were damaged by the sexual abuse. Clearing the fog: (1) The sexual abuse is not your fault, (2) Having been damaged by the sexual abuse is not your fault. Any child in your situation would have been damaged, (3) The shame belongs not with you, but with these two people: your father and your mother.

“When I interviewed with the admissions lady, she asked me if I thought that I could be better by going into one. I said yes, and that was a lie. I knew it wouldn’t help out or I was unsure. And I am ashamed of that“- clearing the fog: at the time you were in crisis, in acute distress. You were unsure about a lot of things, and so: you are not guilty for saying Yes any more than if you said No, or Maybe.

There is more of what you shared that I could respond to, but enough for now. If and whenever you want to keep our conversation going, please post again. I feel hope that over time, little by little, you will become more and more okay, that your vision will be free of that fog, fog filled with shame and guilt that do not belong with you!

anita