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Dear Alexga:
I wish you a Happy and Shameless New Year!
“Shame is a very powerful feeling and I despise it wholeheartedly“- I share your sentiment. Shame sucks big time! I hate that feeling too. It’s not just a feeling, it’s a feeling + a belief.
“If you do some specific thing – you feel shame. If you don’t do the same thing -you feel shame. So why the f*** does it matter“- shame is like foot fungus, once it takes hold, it stays, it spreads, and it is very hard to get rid of it!
“I want to go back in time when I was fearless and brave, before… the Shame was born“- you were born shameless. Someone other than you gave birth to the shame that now resides in you.
“I want to go back in time before… my mind started proving and arguing that I’m a worthless piece of s*** that just wastes air. I want to go back in time when I had not broken myself yet”– someone else started proving and arguing those things before you took on those arguments, someone else broke you: who was it, and is that person still doing it to you?
A little about my shame: like you, I was born shameless, my mother then introduced me to shame in my very early years and proceeded to feed and add to my shame over the years. My shame was very painful, it lasted for way too long, and it’s now pretty much gone! What a relief!!! I hope it happens for you too, sooner than later! But I figure it won’t be easy. I hope to read more from you.
anita