Dear TeaK,

Thank you for this solid summation! I will certainly use this when I meet with a new counselor.

And, yes, I feel that you are spot-on: “Those who don’t want you, you crave for. Those who do want you, you don’t want.” The work colleague that I had a brief relationship with, there was a mystery about her that intrigued me. There was an obvious physical attraction, but the mystery was the larger attraction. The quest to learn more–and to knock down her walls–kept me pursuing her.

I haven’t written as much about the girl I’ve been seeing for most of 2021, but she has helped me to open up more than anyone has in some time. (The closest correlation would be the counselor I dated about 10-years ago who really forced me to open up–even though I wasn’t ready to at the time.) We’ve had some real “heart-to-hearts” these past few months, which has been therapeutic in a sense. Unfortunately, there is just something missing that hasn’t allowed me to stay here and try a long-term relationship with her–though she is willing to relocate if that’s what we both want in the future. We have had a breezy time together and have experienced some amazing road trips and adventures in 2021. Nevertheless, there is just something that prevents me from exploring something that perhaps could be amazing.

She too suffers from anxiety and depression and had an often dark childhood that she hasn’t been willing to share with me. Maybe that is part of the reason why we click so well? I leave for the new job this upcoming weekend, so we tried to make the most of our last weekend together. I know the distance will be hard on both of us, and she is a bit excited/jealous that I get to escape this town and work on a future in a new, larger city.

I’d like us to eventually find a way to transition to friends, but I know that will be extremely difficult. I do care deeply for her (love perhaps?), but I know she loves me deeply and this will be a messy time for the both of us. She knew I was not long for this town, but it doesn’t make my leaving any easier.

As you said, TeaK, I need to work on breaking this pattern I’ve been stuck in for so long.

Ryan