Dear Notebook6:

A little history: in October 2018, you left your hometown and country and moved to a new country where you started a new job. You liked the job at the time, but you were lonely, homesick, and you missed your ex. You wrote at the time: “I miss closeness with other, I even CRAVE for it. But sometimes when I’m with someone for too long I felt exhausted, and I wanted to be alone”.

During the covid-19 lockdown of early 2020, while living in the new country, you got closer to a hometown male friend whom you knew for five years, and the two of you were texting each other every day long-distance. You felt a deep connection to him. During Dec 2020-Feb 2021, you were worried about “a decline of our conversation frequency… he started to shift his focus to his art career, sometimes we would go few hours without texting each other… This shift has causes me to have withdrawal symptoms, I felt anxious, I had the intense fear of losing him, I have the fear of him texting other girls… I have insomnia just by thinking about him… (I)  get anxious and depressed, to the point I couldn’t focus on my career… I have my art career to focus on too, but because my mind is always occupied with things related to him, my art progress has been in stagnant state for a while” (Feb 6-7, 2021).

On March 7, 2021, you felt better: “I’m feeling better recently, as I’ve been very close with the person I mentioned earlier, we have been texting frequently, and he also sent me cookies from his country (my hometown), we had midnight talk once every few days, one time it lasted until 3am last week, it felt like the connection is back as usual, and last time I was probably overthinking too much“.

Fast forward to January 12, 2022, you are worried again about the same friend who recently shifted from working from home, back to the office: “when he started getting back to work in office, I’ve been noticing the declining of our interaction… He did mention he’ll has to focus on his personal project as the deadline has due. As I have the anxious attachment style, I always worry about him getting close to other girls especially now that he got back into office… I’m not sure if I’m being too clingy or he’s just getting busy with the ‘new normal’ life. Would like to have a perspective from a 3rd person, thanks!” –

Here is my input: In February 2021, you were worried about “a decline of our conversation frequency”, and in January 2022, you worry about the same thing: “ the declining of our interaction”.

In February 2021, the reason to the decline seems to have been: “he started to shift his focus to his art career”, and in January 2022, the reason for the decline seems to be: “he started getting back to work in office… He did mention he’ll has to focus on his personal project as the deadline has due”.

He has spent lots and lots of time communicating with you daily for close to two years, so I figure that he is emotionally attached to you and is likely to increase the communication current communication frequency after he completes his personal project (although future projects and changes in the workplace may cause repeated declines in communication frequency).

You mentioned that this friendship is an “almost relationship“, and that you are worried “about him getting close to other girls especially now that he got back into office” – it is possible that he prefers a long-distance almost-relationship over a committed, in-person relationship. Maybe he feels more comfortable in a long-distance almost-relationship. Maybe being physically close to another person for too long exhausts him and he prefers to be alone, just like you (“when I’m with someone for too long I felt exhausted, and I wanted to be alone”). If this is true, then you don’t have much to worry about… except displaying an anxious attachment style means to worry, doesn’t it?

What about the online therapy you mentioned last year?

anita

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