Dear Dave:

You are welcome. “When I was with my father, I suffered a lot of separation anxiety being apart from my mother, and when I would get emotional or cry, he would often tell me to stop, or grow up, or be cynical towards this type of ‘needy’ behaviour” -he wanted you to stop crying, to stop expressing your fear and neediness for your mother, but what he accomplished was the opposite: he caused you to get stuck in the fear and neediness that he wanted you to move away from.

“I was made to feel a little stupid for acting so emotionally towards missing my mother” -there is nothing more natural for a child to miss his mother and feel anxious when not in her company. It is not stupid, it is natural.

“I spoke with my brother and a close friend about what she had said, and they both think that she was worried that I might end things… that she wants things to work between us” – seems this way to me too.

“My perceived misunderstanding comes from the fact that if I told her that I would miss her, or that I would want to stay together regardless of travel plans, that she may see this as me being ‘needy’ and overly emotional” – you were afraid that she will respond to your emotions the way your father did.

There are ways for you to express to her how much you’d miss her, etc., without appearing needy and overly emotional (to a reasonable person, and I assume she is reasonable).  You can look into her eyes with a smile on your face, and say, in a strong, emotional but contained voice: I will miss you so much! You can practice this in front of the mirror.

“We have made our own plans next month to travel for a few days, so things are overall very positive with us. I just feel such separation anxiety and worry of being left in the future, like the child in me” – all the ways that help lessen anxiety in general, will help with this particular anxiety.

Specifically for this anxiety, when you feel it, talk to yourself the way your father should have, but didn’t. Say: it is okay to miss her. It is okay to need her. It is okay to feel whatever it is that I feel. It is okay to express my emotions. I am okay. I can be emotional and in control.

anita