Anita,

Thank you, yes I really like this format.

someone other than you to visit him for the purpose of caring for him, being that he is disabled? – I feel like because of the family dynamic, and the fact that my father wasn’t a bad man, I want to care for him, as the disability is not his fault, but the brain damage causes these outburts. But I understand what you mean, luckily I don’t have to go over very often, I’ve limited it to once a week normally. But this is something to think about for sure.

excellent that you opened up to her and that she responded the way she did – absolutely, it was a really lovely and promising sign. The fear is still within me that if I talk about other things, a shared future for example, I will not receive the response I crave. But like we have talked about, this comes from a fear from childhood.

It is not a true belief, but beliefs, true and false, are strong regardless, when they are energized by early-life emotions – You are right, I have started journaling again a lot recently. Specifically I wanted to focus on traumatic events, to really write how I feel/felt about them. I was assulted 10 years ago, suffered some brain damage and lost my sense of smell for several years, I had PTSD following and I feel this may also have a part to play in how I feel, the anxiety etc. Maybe my beliefs that I deserve suffering and pain. I journaled about this, and previous romantic and family rejections or abandonment which shuck me and took years to overcome. I feel several experiences may have contributed to this insecure attachment and fear of abandonment.

The first part is energized by strong early-life emotions; the second part is loosely held by later life thoughts and weaker emotions. – This is such an interesting way of expressing these thoughts. I had also not thought that although there is this stigma, that I also share it. I almost feel like if a woman shows these feelings of wanting love, I have no judgement and welcome it, but if I or another male does it, I feel this subconcious stigma, maybe because of the way my mum and dad were. I want to focus on healing, like you say. Weakening the strong early life emotions and strengthening the ones I know to be true.

reading this is making my day a good day, thank you! – Thank you Anita 🙂 I only wish I could focus on the numerous positives and amazing connection we have, without worrying that it will all fall apart and I will be abandoned. But healing is a process, as you have said before.

Dave