Dear canary:

You wrote: “To me, forgiveness meant that I have no resentment towards the person, meaning, I’m not holding a grudge or looking for “payback”. But I believe that the feeling of sadness/anger can still remain even after forgiving a person” –

– you can look up the definitions of both of the words you used: resentment and grudge, you will see that they both include a strong element of anger. So, on one hand, you say that you feel no anger toward him (no resentment and no grudge), but on the other hand, you say that do feel anger toward him.

The relationship we are talking about started in August 2019, lasted 7 months, followed by periods of friendly talks and periods of no contact. There was a hook up or hook ups in the summer of 2020, and no talking between the two of you since July 2021.

You wrote yesterday: “I think that my feelings are telling me to pay attention to the hurt that I felt when the person felt no remorse for their actions…I am allowed to hurt by someone’s actions” -I went back to your July 2021 thread looking for what actions he committed against you.

I found the answer in TeaK’s reply to you on July 23, 2021. After reading her reply, on the same day, you wholeheartedly agreed with what she wrote, stating: “Hi TeaK, You’ve blown me away by putting everything into words perfectly! I can’t explain how much sense this all makes to me when I read it“.

Let’s look at the post that you agreed with perfectly. In her post she quoted the following from what you shared (not necessarily in the order you shared them): “he was showing me love and empathy during the beginning of my relationship… but as soon as my mental state deteriorates, he’s not able to be there for me… I would get lots of anxiety and need reassurance that he loves me. He would try his best to reassure me and make me feel better… I admit I was very codependent on him because I wouldn’t take care of myself… He told me I was sensitive and emotional but in a bad way. I don’t understand what I was doing that made him feel that way… “.

This is what TeaK wrote to you: “Your needs are totally legitimate, including the need for empathy and understanding, but the truth is that if we have a childhood wound, where those needs weren’t met when they were supposed to – then no one will be able to give us enough, unless we first heal that wound… you relied only on him to take care of you… That’s all a big burden for a person. He was doing it for a while, but then got tired. It was too much for him to handle, especially when you would go through an episode… it was too much for him, but he never dared to say anything openly. He rather accepted (or appeared to have accepted) your characterization – that he lacks empathy and that he should change. But he said he can’t change, because he allegedly suffers from the antisocial personality disorder. Frankly, this might not even be true, perhaps he’s just told you this as an excuse, because he didn’t want to argue with you anymore… There may be many reasons why you love him and care for him. Maybe one is that you feel that deep down he isn’t selfish and inconsiderate, but just couldn’t give you what you wanted”.

Your response to the above was: “You’ve blown me away by putting everything into words perfectly! I can’t explain how much sense this all makes to me when I read it“.

In your very first post on tb, December 22, 2020,  7 months before your wholehearted agreement above, you expressed just what you agreed with seven months later: “The reason for our breakup: – I was suffering from severe depression & anxiety, and it made me difficult to deal with which caused me to think that he did not truly love me – Because of those anxious thoughts I was becoming very difficult to be around which caused him to back away from me and the distance between us made me even more anxious – Although he tried to be there for me, there wasn’t a lot he could do“.

My closing thoughts: your significant anxiety and mental suffering started years before your ex-boyfriend entered your life. He didn’t cause your anxiety. It wasn’t his fault. He didn’t do this to you. You mentioned no abuse on his part. His “crime” was that he wasn’t able to heal you. But then, the counselors you saw in high school didn’t help you, the therapist or therapists you saw didn’t help you, the psychiatrist/s who prescribed you with medications didn’t help you… and the members who replied to you on your various threads didn’t help you. At times, like I detailed above, you wholeheartedly agreed with a member, only to later forget that you did, posting again as if there was no prior communication. It’s like nothing sticks. I am guessing that if you respond to this very post, you will… disagree with your own words, and/ or agree and disagree in the same sentence. Maybe these are symptoms of your anxiety. Maybe it’s gaslighting. I don’t know.

Your last sentence to me yesterday: “I am still looking for a psychotherapist, but once I find one, I will address this with them. Thank you” – you are welcome. I hope that you do find a quality psychotherapist and that you will be intellectually and emotionally honest with the therapist.

anita

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