Dear Malakai:

It helps me to understand a member’s story better when I repeat it in my own words, so I will: you met a man five months ago, in August 2021, talked for more than a month, and got romantically involved with him in October 2021., not specifying or labeling what was going on between the two of you. A few weeks later, in October or November 2021, he started acting noticeably distant, like he didn’t even want to talk to you anymore, and he soon broke up with you, saying nothing more than that he could not reciprocate your feelings. Next, you happened to find out on social media that he has a girlfriend, and you cut him out of your social media. Currently, January 2022, you are going out with a colleague 0f yours.

The reason why my retelling of your story is so short compared to your original post is that I retold the facts only. In your original post, you shared about your subjective thoughts and feelings, but hardly any (1) Events: what actually took place? (2) Dialogue: what did he say, what did you then, how did he respond, etc.? (3) Descriptions of non-verbal interactions and communication: what did he actually do, what was his tone of voice and facial expressions when he said this or did that; what were yours?

Let’s look at the subjective happenings that you did describe, that is, your thoughts and feelings: he was “a man I’ve been waiting my whole life to meet… he was honestly exactly the type of person I always imagined myself with” – vague, you didn’t say anything about what kind of man/ the type of man that you have you been waiting your whole life to meet.

“Everything about him was fascinating to me” – “everything” is very vague; you did not identify what about him fascinated you, not a single thing.

“Seeing the way he acted around me, seeing the way he looked at me” – no details whatsoever in regard to how he acted around you and how he looked at you.

“He started being completely distant. It was completely out of the blue for me, it made absolutely no sense… I also don’t understand it” – maybe because you were not paying attention to the details, to what was actually happening, to the actual verbal and non-verbal interactions?

“I was shattered. Trying to piece myself together was as if I was trying to glue back together all the pieces to a smashed plate. I wrote poetry” – impressionistic poetry perhaps where you pay attention to your thoughts and feelings, aka your mental life, but you do not proceed to interpret what is happening in your actual life (“Impressionistic literature can basically be defined as when an author centers his story/attention on the character’s mental life such as the character’s impressions, feelings, sensations and emotions, rather than trying to interpret them”, Wikipedia)?

“Recently I have been going out with a colleague of mine, nothing serious, I don’t know if I can even exactly call them dates” -vague again: what went on between Aug and Nov 2021 with one guy was not specified or labeled, and what is going on with your colleague is also not specified.

“But I can see in the way he acts toward me that he may have more serious intentions towards me” – and again, no detail of a single way in which he acts toward you.

In regard to the first guy, you asked: “How could he seem so interested in me one day and be completely over it the next day?” – you are welcome to add details to the story (events, dialogue, non-verbal communication), and we can explore the answer to your question.

In regard to the colleague, you wrote: “As things were going so well for some reason I am back to thinking of my ex… I want to free myself of this… I’m so tired of missing him and wishing to see him again. If you’ve read this far thank you for listening to my venting. I don’t really have anybody I can talk to in my life about him and I truly need some advice/help” – you are very welcome. If you would like to add actual details to your story, please do. I am very curious about getting to know your story with an added actual reality element to it!

anita