Dear nycartist:

Your friend in the first scenario is pushy. You did everything right in regard to her and the party, and she did everything wrong. I am guessing that generally, she is a friend only when she agrees with your choices. If she disagrees, she pushes you to change your mind and choose what she wants you to choose. If this is the pattern of her behavior, then she is a very conditional friend, and an unreasonable self-centered and selfish woman, and there is no point in butting heads with her (“we are always butting heads“). She doesn’t mind butting heads, but it gives you a headache!

So, you are having a birthday party for your daughter, an occasion that is supposed to be happy and be about your daughter. What happened instead is that this pushy friend harassed you most of the day before the birthday party (“She spent most of the day messaging me about why I shouldn’t…“), plus, she has let you know that she will harass you more after the party (“This friend of mine…  is supposed to stay with me after the festivities and wants to ‘talk about it’ more afterwards“).

Like the saying goes, with friends like that, who needs enemies?

The second friend “used to be very reliable friend, and now shows up late, doesn’t always text back, flakes out on plans…, this has been a few years of this, and it has gotten worse lately“. In this case, better that you forget how she used to be and accept her recent years behaviors as her … new normal, this is how she is. Don’t expect her to return to the old normal. See if losing that expectation makes you feel better about her flakiness, maybe you can accept it with peace of mind. Maybe not.

You wrote yesterday: “I don’t know how to strive for a more equal balance in these relationships… I want respect in all of them. That also feels lacking whether I am being the child pushing back or the unappreciated mother figure” –

– In regard to the first conditional friend: equal balance is not possible with a person who is into harassing you, a person who (when she disagrees with your reasonable choices that are yours to make) is about making it all about her and nothing about you. It’s a Win-Lose friendship, when she disagrees, she must Win, you must Lose. No equal balance. As far as respect goes, her respect of you is conditional, you get it… if she agrees with your choices. In the scenario you described, she is the pushy, overbearing, complaining and manipulative mother and you are… the abused/ harassed child. Zero respect.

In regard to the second friend, her flaky behavior is likely not about her disrespecting you. So, maybe you can achieve an equal balance in this friendship if you drop the expectation that she goes back to her old normal, accept her new normal and match it with a new normal of your own, in regard to her.

anita