Dear Mary:

You shared that you made a long-distance friend, Amanda, a year ago. It got to a point where you were having in-depth conversations with her daily, being constantly on your phone, texting, neglecting your boyfriend and friends. You tried to “give everyone equal amounts of time” and got burnt out. Your therapist suggested that you take time for yourself, put your phone on “do not disturb” and get back to people who text you the next day or the day after, depending on how much time you need for yourself. You did that and it worked for you: “the boundaries I set for myself have been so beneficial to my mental health… I love living my life more when I’m not on social media or texting all the time“,

But “I feel bad and guilty for creating these boundaries now because Amanda gets upset if I don’t text her every day. We’ve already had two fights… She feels like…  I make her feel like shit and cause her to be upset. It makes me feel awful because I love and care about her!”

A bit more than 2 years ago, Dec 2019, you shared about another friend who made you feel guilty, you referred to her as G: “She recently made a comment noting that she feels left out…  lashing out at me for ‘not being good enough’… (she) likes to point the finger… I hate feeling guilty…  G only comes to yell and lash out at me… I just wish I could make everyone happy“.

In regard to G, you wrote: “I know I can’t change her or how she feels, but if I can just word this whole thing in a way that will make her understand it’s not deliberate neglecting or purposely being left out, then I feel like this situation will get better with time“.

Two years later, you asked regarding Amanda: “What are some ways I can address this to her again to better help her understand without making her feel like shit? It’s never my intention, but I know I can’t control the way she reacts to anything I do or say. I just don’t like feeling this way and feeling like I make her feel like shit either“.

The parallels between the two situations are striking: (1) You liked or loved both G and Amanda and wanted them both to be happy, having no  intention at all to make them feel badly, (2) They both pointed the finger of blame at you, accusing you of making them feel badly (G blamed you for making her feel “left out” and “not being good enough“, and Amanda blamed you for making her feel “like sh** and cause her to be upset“),

(3) You accepted their accusation to an extent, feeling guilty, (4) You wanted to know what to say to both so to make them understand that “it’s not deliberate neglecting or purposely being left out” (G), and that “It’s never my intention… (to) make her feel like shit“(Amanda), so to resolve your guilt.

Before I continue, I would like to give you the opportunity to share your thoughts about this comparison.

anita