Dear Dandan:

First, I will quote from you, second, my understanding:

April 2021 “I get zoned out and get depressed for no reason, even among friends. I feel always low for no reason. I get all the energy from people around me, who are more positive and enthusiastic, self-sufficient and bold. I get happy and enthusiastic when there is something interesting and enjoyable to do with the people around me. I derive energy and vibes from the people around me. With myself, I am mostly low and depressed, for no reason… My mom too is like me. She feels low most of the time. If she is surrounded by a dull environment, she feels low. And I am also like her. If I am with a dull company, I automatically feel low and depressed”.

June 2021: “Whenever I watch a series in Netflix or any happy moments, I can’t stop imagining sharing the joy with her, crazy things we could do, I do, the laughter etc. These images and scenes keep flashing in my mind. I couldn’t forget her. I stalk her insta page, … When I talk to her, I don’t want her, and things feel heavy. When I don’t talk to her, I feel I want her, and I miss her”.

February 2022:  “When I don’t talk to her, I always lived in an imaginary life with her. Imagining watching movies, having kids, triplets specifically and everything. I was living in imagination. My body building and everything I wanted to share with her. I wanted to share that happiness with her. Now it doesn’t make sense to work out or do anything at all… But now she is gone. She was irreplaceable for me. I couldn’t bear this pain. I am scared this pain is eternal. I am not going to chase her or anything. But I am doomed. I couldn’t even cry. It feels like my soul is tearing apart”.

Second part, my current understanding: when you talk to her on the phone, or when you are in her physical company, you experience her as dull, and as a result, you feel bored, low and depressed (“If I am with a dull company, I automatically feel low and depressed“).

When you don’t talk to her, and when you are not in her physical company, you IMAGINE being with her, and as a result, you feel energetic, positive, enthusiastic, self-sufficient, bold, happy, interested (not bored) and joyful: “I get all the energy from people around me, who are more positive and enthusiastic, self-sufficient and bold. I get happy and enthusiastic when there is something interesting and enjoyable to do with the people around me“.

“Whenever I watch a series in Netflix or any happy moments, I can’t stop imagining sharing the joy with her… These images and scenes keep flashing in my mind…. When I talk to her, I don’t want her, and things feel heavy. When I don’t talk to her, I feel I want her, and I miss her… When I don’t talk to her, I always lived in an imaginary life with her. Imagining watching movies, having kids, triplets specifically and everything. I was living in imagination” –

Imagining her MOTIVATES you to work out and everything positive: “My body building and everything I wanted to share with her. I wanted to share that happiness with her. Now it doesn’t make sense to work out or do anything at all“.

“But now she is gone. She was irreplaceable for me” – thing is, you can imagine being with her and as a result feel energetic and motivated only if you know that she would be available to talk with you and be with you if you were interested. You can’t get the imagining going if she is no longer available to you.

She is irreplaceable for you, not as a woman or a person, but as a source of imagination and motivation- as long as you are not with her because you don’t want to be with her, not because she doesn’t want to be with you.

You asked me: “Do you suggest I not post here anymore as she might read?” – no, I am not suggesting that. You are welcome to post again anytime, as many times as you want, as long as it helps you without hurting her.

anita