Dear Mary:

I am glad that you deleted each other’s contact information, that “the friendship ceases to exist“, and that you do not plan on opening the door for additional communication with her!

“I always find myself saying sorry to someone who is feeling bad about something or someone. You’re right though, this habit stems from my childhood” – through more insight into your childhood and a new practice, you can form new habits, such as evaluating whether you are responsible for X and apologizing only if you are responsible.

“I was always disappointing to my parents” – if your experience in childhood is similar just a bit to mine, then better say: you didn’t really disappoint them- they felt disappointed and blamed you for making them feel this way. Similar to what Amanda did.

“And went out of my way constantly to try and please them” – same behavior as with Amanda.

“I still find myself trying to please others too much in my adult life, especially at work” – a childhood habitual behavior extended into adulthood.

“I appreciate your insight into my fault in this situation, especially with using the term “toxic” because maybe I did use it incorrectly or maybe it just should have been avoided” – because I used to feel intensely guilty, when I made mistakes due to carelessness/ inattentiveness, I felt so terrible that I wasn’t able to learn from my mistakes and improve my overall behavior. Fast forward to the present, I really do understand that everyone makes careless mistakes, that there is no way to live mistakes-free, and that the best any of us can do is to make fewer mistakes. When I realize that I made a mistake, I am calm enough to make a mental note to myself to not say this or do that, in similar circumstances in the future.

“She seems to have a great relationship with her husband and kids” – I don’t think that you observed her with her husband and kids in their home long-enough, if at all, did you?

“I’m her only problem” – if she focused on you as Her Problem (aka her scapegoat, The One to blame), then unless she finds another scape goat, she is likely to reach out to you sooner than later.

Coming to think about it, if you feel very guilty about her in the future, you are likely to reach out to her. I hope it doesn’t happen.

“I’m not sure how she acts with them or what life is really like behind closed doors” – I didn’t read this sentence until this moment, as I continue to respond to one part of your post before reading the next.

“I also agree that I have a strong tendency to accept blame, which I think falls under my self-esteem issues” – if and when you feel like sharing more about this, you are welcome to do so.

Congratulations for deleting her contact information and I hope that there will indeed be no more contact with her!

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by .