Dear Mary:

You are welcome and congratulations for the big step that you achieved!!!

“My dad… would come down hard on us anytime we didn’t do great in school or were experiencing social problems… he would always start with “what did you do/say to them to make them do that to you?” So, I always felt like I was the reason for everything that goes wrong” –

– His repeated message to you was that when something goes wrong- you are at fault. His message became your core belief: when something goes wrong- I am at fault. This core belief led to another: there’s something wrong about who I am.

“I’d like to learn from it and find better ways to build the self-esteem I never had” – every time something goes wrong, take a moment and ask yourself: is this my doing? Let’s take the example you gave: your boyfriend didn’t sleep well. Ask yourself: did I cause him to not sleep well (was I noisy when he was trying to sleep, did I start a conversation with him when he was trying to relax and prepare to sleep, etc.).

If the answer is: no, then resist your compulsion to apologize. Every time the guilt returns, repeat to yourself: I didn’t cause this, I didn’t make it happen!

anita