Dear Sesha:

“My parents aren’t bad people” – okay, Sesha: your parents aren’t bad people. I understand. In looking at their behaviors with you, I am trying to say that they are bad people, not at all. What I am trying to do is to understand how it came about that you feel so anxious, so “lost in life“, etc., for the purpose of figuring out a way for you to find yourself and your way in life.

“They feel overwhelmed every time when I get emotional, so they let me be. Many times, they just stand up and go because they can’t bear my emotions and my intense moaning” – this is what I figured repeatedly happened when you were a young child: you felt emotional, that is, you felt distressing physical discomfort and distressing emotions, fear, anger and whatnot (all children do), you expressed your discomfort and distressing emotions (all children do, at least before they are stopped!), next- you saw the discomfort in your parents faces and watched them walking away, leaving you alone. For a child, to be left alone, is very scary.

From those experiences, you learned that emotions are scary and terrible, so terrible that they make your parents walk away from you.

“Now as an adult those intense moaning is not tolerable” – you say that your intense distressing emotions/ moaning is not tolerable as an adult, but they were not tolerable, as far as your parents are concerned, when you were a child.

“I have to regulate my emotions” – here is how your parents, when you were a young child, could have helped you to regulate your emotions: when you were moaning, let’s say, you wanted to stay up and play after your bedtime. Instead of your parents walking away from you, either one of them could have stayed with you for 5 minutes or so and tell you something like this: I know that you want to stay up and play, but this is bedtime. I need you to sleep. I am going to hold your hand and sing you a lullaby. After the lullaby I will slowly take my hand away and put your teddy bear close to you. The teddy bear means that we will be together again tomorrow morning.

This could have calmed the child that you were, and the moaning would have subsided. But when they simply walked away from you, the moaning intensified. You were not born overly emotional; your distressing emotions intensified because your parents walked away from you when you experienced distressing emotions.

“it is still very difficult to cope alone. They suffocate me” – this is exactly it, when ALONE emotions INTENSIFY and become suffocating.

“I am somebody very negative and unbearable” – again, you were not born negative and unbearable any more than any other baby. Your distressing emotions and emotional expressions intensified as a result of being left alone.

anita