Dear Jess:

You shared that at 16 you started your first real relationship with your first boyfriend. You moved in with him at 18. For the first few months it was wonderful, and then, it was not. He was an alcoholic, “was always angry at life” and he was not there for you the ways you needed him to be. In Nov 2021, (being 20 years old), you went to a show with friends and “immediately hit it off with this guy”. As a result of that event, you broke up with your first boyfriend. But since the breakup, you’ve been seeing your ex from time to time, as well as seeing the new guy.

The new guy is very affectionate, and he has the same interests and mentality as yours. The two of you connected physically and emotionally, as he satisfies your needs and wants. With him, you have the connection you’ve always wanted. But you feel guilty for hurting your first boyfriend (“I definitely feel like a sh**** person because how I hurt my ex with this new guy“), and you are conflicted otherwise: to let go of the ex, or to go back to him.

“I always thought I would be with my ex forever because we got a long and he was my first love” – my comment: sometimes we have to let go of what we used to think (and feel and believe) and do a… thinking update, that is: use what we learn about our past and the present and update our thinking so that it matches the current reality.

“I sincerely don’t know what to do. Should I be with this new guy who could show me the world and give me what I deserve from a partner? Or choose my ex who I know cares and could provide me with a family, trust and unconditionality?” –  seems to me that you are making assumptions that are exaggerated, or not grounded in reality: can the new guy really show you the world? And can your ex really provide you with unconditionality?

Being shown the world- what does it mean to you? And what do you mean by unconditionality?

anita