Dear Jess:

Having read your most recent post, I learned something new about you- your Trust Issue is your main issue:

“One main thing on my mind is that for some reason I have this feeling that everyone down the road is going to have the intention to mess around instead of wanting to marry, potentially cheat on me for someone else. My ex and I used to have a very strong trusting relationship and I knew he was never the guy to cheat, he is loyal and dates to marry. I am worried I won’t find a down to earth guy who I can trust”.

Back in your original post, you wrote: “I definitely feel like a shi*** person because how I hurt my ex with this a new guy which no one wants to happen to them” – I can now understand why you felt so badly for doing to the ex what you don’t want to happen to you, feeling guilty for focusing on what’s new instead of trying to fix your relationship with the ex (“it sucks to see that go down the drain when so many relationships these days focus on what’s new instead of trying to fix their relationship and take care of it“, in your recent post).

You wrote earlier about the new guy: “The new guy can show me a healthy relationship and give me what I deserve physically and mentally“, but you were worried about him cheating on you: “Most of my friends are girls… sometimes I get the feeling that he might be TOO nice to where it worries me that I might get jealous cause I can’t tell if he’s trying to flirt or just be accommodating. I don’t want to get jealous that’s not me at all… Maybe he’s just super friendly overall“.

This is what I now understand: your trust issue in men is major and your vision is focused on it, so you ignore everything else (the ex frequently drinking and ignoring you and being angry at the world etc., etc.) in favor of this one issue. I am guessing that your ex knew about this issue and repeatedly assured you that he will never do to you what you are so afraid of being done to you, you trusted him on this particular issue, and this is your main attraction to him and your main regret in regard to moving on, away from him.

Since your ex was your “first real relationship“, at 16, I am guessing that your major trust issue came about as a result of one of your parents cheating on the other (or betraying you in some way). Maybe you witnessed your mother being in so much pain over your father finding someone new and you felt so much empathy for her, that it felt as if the betrayal was done to you personally.

If my guess above is correct, then your vision is a tunnel vision which is in your way of making the right choice or choices for yourself in regard to a relationship with a man and future marriage etc., because making the right choices require that you see the big picture, instead of just a corner of it, aka having tunnel vision.

Here is what the big picture looks to me: (1) you have no real assurance that the ex will never cheat on you. He is only 20 or 21, very young. You have no assurance really that any man will never cheat on you, regardless of age, (2) It is possible that your ex, knowing your major issue with trust, recently mentioned to you that he is interested in a new woman manipulatively, so to motivate you to go back to a relationship with him, (3) You have to resolve your trust issue born in childhood, and move on from that experience… so that you are able to see the big picture and experience some peace of mind and heart in regard to your choices next.

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by .