Dear Mary:

“If I’m a lot, then go find less” – in this statement “a lot” has a negative connotation, as in too loud or too talkative. And “find less” would mean, find someone with less of that negativity, less loud, less talkative, etc.

“I’ve been told I’m too much before” – from our previous experience, your too much (I’ll get to my too much later) has been taking too much responsibility for people around you when they feel badly/ displeased with whatever or whomever, feeling guilty over their displeasure, agonizing over it in your own head, and trying to fix your felt-wrongdoing by doing people-pleasing behaviors, to your own detriment.

“March 1-2: “I always find myself saying sorry to someone who is feeling bad about something or someone… I was always disappointing to my parents and went out of my way constantly to try and please them. I still find myself trying to please others too much in my adult life, especially at work…My dad… His initial reaction/comment anytime I tried to talk to him about something that happened, he would always start with ‘what did you do/say to them to make them do that to you?’ So, I always felt like I was the reason for everything that goes wrong. I would feel guilty about all of it“.

Your people pleasing mental and other behaviors: agonizing (“it makes me question if I’m doing the right thing or not so that’s when I start to feel guilty“), automatically apologizing for anything and everything, spending more time with a displeased person than you have to spare, neglecting yourself and your boyfriend, trying to make everyone happy (“I just wish I could make everyone happy… I tried to balance my time with all of them. That just led me to become burned out because I had no time to myself to recharge and do my own thing“).

As a result of your mental agony and people pleasing behaviors, you get burned out and you push people away (“I tend to push people away so I can be alone for a while“).

Back to your current thread: “I know I’ve told others they were being too much for me too” – any person who takes little to no responsibility for their displeasure and blames you instead- is too much for you, I say!

“There are moments when I need to reserve my energy or recharge it” – in addition to taking a break from people, having your alone-time, at times when you do interact with others, try to not exhaust yourself with taking on responsibility that does not belong to you. The mental agony involved in it, by itself, is exhausting!

“There are times when I can be too loud, caring, loving, out there, etc… if you’re not always able to vibe at a higher frequency as others, then you’re less or not good enough” – I see this as your taking on the responsibility for people’s vibe needs at any one time. If others need you to vibe at a higher frequency than you do- you feel guilty; if others need you to vibe at a lower frequency than you do- you feel guilty.

“I would love to hear all your thoughts and opinions on this phrase, especially on what it means to be ‘too much’” – you mentioned growing up with your father who pointed to you as “the reason for everything that goes wrong“. It so happens that I grew up with a mother who pointed to me (and to other people) as the reason for everything that goes wrong. Never (and I mean never, it is not an exaggeration) did she take responsibility for her words and actions being a reason for things going wrong. So, like you, I grew up with a core belief that I am guilty, and I suffered a lot from the mental agony involved in this core belief. My too much was similar to your too much. (And unfortunately, you and I have a lot of company in this area of too much!)

I very much agree with Helcat saying: “people just need someone to listen and care about them without overly being involved in the situation. It is easier said than done“- empathetically listening to, and being supportive of someone who feels badly, for a few minutes, can go a long way, and it will not be too much for you. Like I suggested before, when someone feels badly/ is displeased, and you feel guilty about it, ask yourself (you can ask in any one of your threads and I will be glad to help you with it), if there is any valid reason for you feeling guilty. Once the answer is No, without the mental agony involved with a Yes, or a Maybe answer, it will be easy for you to spend only a few minutes with a person who feels badly and move on from there.

anita