Dear Jess:

I wrote to you in my previous longer post: “part of you have felt for a very long time, that what your mother did… was wrong, and therefore you feel guilty for doing the same… except that what you did was not the same as what she he did”– there’s a typo mistake there, a “he” that shouldn’t be there. Correction: “not the same as what she did”

“Or are you saying what ‘he did’ as in my fathers?” – it’s what “she did”, not what “he did”.

“Are you saying that what I did to my ex doesn’t compare to what he put me through?” – I didn’t mean to say this in the quote with which I started this post, but now that you mention it, I don’t think that you did anything at all that was wrong in regard to meeting the new guy and the results of that meeting. Restated: it is not that what you did to your ex doesn’t compare to what he put you through, it’s that … you did nothing wrong to your ex.

Was your behavior perfect? No, but there is no such thing as perfect behavior long-term. To be imperfect is to be human; no human is perfect. Some imperfections are wrongdoings, but lots of imperfections are just imperfections (not Wrongdoings). For example, it would have been perfect if you ended the relationship with your ex before you met the new guy, but real life does not follow a perfect, neat and tidy script… life in its nature is quite messy. So, meeting the new guy in the circumstances of your life at the time was imperfect, but it was not a wrongdoing.

“My mom did leave my dad because it was kind of similar to my situation, she tried so hard to make it work but he was always angry and an alcoholic” – was your stepdad also an alcoholic, and/ or always angry, and did she try so hard to make it work with him too before she cheated on him as well?

Back to the opening quote, corrected: “part of you has felt for a very long time, that what your mother did… was wrong, and therefore you feel guilty for doing the same… except that what you did was not the same as what she did” –

– even though there is a little bit of similarity between your relationship with your ex and your mom’s relationship with your dad (“I kind of resemble my ex to my dad a little bit here“), I am sure that there is plenty that was different. This is why I asked the question right above. I think that finding out the differences will help you resolve the guilty feeling that you are experiencing in regard to your ex, a feeling that does not indicate a wrongdoing, according to my understanding.

I will give you an example of what I mean, and it is only an example (I don’t mean to suggest that the following really happened): let’s say that when you were a child, your mom used to complain to you about how angry your dad was, how she wasn’t getting what she needed out of the relationship and how hard she was trying, but what you witnessed with your own eyes and ears was that although your dad was angry sometimes, your mom was often angry, that your dad did try, that he tried hard, and it was your mother who rejected his efforts and then cheated on him.

Let’s say that’s what happened. As a result, you grow up confused, not knowing what really happened in your family, who was responsible for what, who did wrong to whom. Fast forward, as an adult, you are confused about the same things in regard to your own romantic relationship: what really happened? Who is responsible for what? Who did wrong to whom? And you end up too confused to “choose between my ex and a new guy“, (from the title of your thread).

anita