Dear Shve:

You are welcome. “Truth be told, I did not even realize I was being abused when it was happening” – you were not aware that you were abused; it was impossible for you to form the intent to prevent or fight abuse that you were not aware of.

“Just that something bad was happening, the body and mind feels it, but I just kept going because I am a people pleaser” – I know all too well the feeling of something bad is happening to me, and yet being unable to stop it from continuing to happen. I didn’t think that I was … qualified to determine if something bad was happening to me. I looked up to other people/ almost anyone and everyone, to know better than me, what is really happening and whether it is right or wrong.

“But then I also thought his wife is also a woman just like me… one with dreams about her life and marriage. I know how it feels to have dreams shattered. I could not think of doing that to another woman, though a very tempting opportunity to me at that time” – you are a good, empathetic person. I listed this possibility not because I thought you should tell his wife, but because it is a possibility, and I listed all the possibilities that came to my mind (possibilities that plenty of people do pursue).

“Gossiping about him might backfire and make me look bad in front of others since the mindset of people here is also ‘why did she get involved with him, this is what happens to such women‘” – I thought this too, while typing this possibility, that gossiping would backfire on you. Again, I listed all possibilities that came to my mind.

 “I try to do this and support and empathize with women who have undergone such experiences. I also try to share with women about such experiences so that they don’t have to suffer” – again, you are a good person, a good woman, my hat is off to you!

“I have thought about this a million times in all these years about why I continued to go after the first time. I think it was lust or some kind of unstoppable force so to say. Even today when I think if I could turn the clock back and go to that moment, could I have just walked away? the answer is no. I remember being very aware of how strong those feelings were. It was the first time I was experiencing all these feelings in my body… it felt so good” –

– I thought about the issue of responsibility yesterday, right after posting to you. This is what I think: because you were in your later twenties when the abuse happened, the law would hold you legally responsible for returning to him every time you did. And much of society would hold you responsible as well. But in actuality, at the time this was happening, you were not able, mentally and emotionally, to choose otherwise, therefore, you were not actually, or practically responsible.

Like you said, it was an unstoppable force that drew you to him, an unstoppable force consisting of (1) awakened sexual instinctual drives, and (2) emotional dependence on his interest in you, you needed him to keep wanting you.

“I did not even know what boundaries meant and did not realise we have to have boundaries even in such associations. I just thought he would take care of me since he said he would keep me very happy” – I read this sentence after I typed the second paragraph in this post (“I looked up to other people/ almost anyone and everyone, to know better than me, what is… right or wrong”). You too looked up to him to do what was right for you.

“I tried working on this from the last few years but hear my voice crack or become nervous or start shivering when I try to assert boundaries especially in close relationships (friends, family). I’m not used to having boundaries… My parents have a very traditional relationship which my father being dominant over my mother in most instances… And in recent years, I started to notice that in my interactions with men. That they were superior in some way to women” –

– remember I asked in one of my earlier posts, why don’t traditional parents warn their daughters and prepare them to face the common practice of sexual subjugation of women by men? I think that the answer is that conservative fathers want to conserve male dominance and superiority inside their home, therefore, they discourage their daughters to assert boundaries inside the home.

The consequence of discouraging daughters from asserting boundaries in the home is that we don’t assert boundaries outside the home either. I am sure that most fathers, if not all, don’t want their daughters to be taken advantage of by men… but it’s either something they prefer to not think about, or it is a price they are willing to pay, so to conserve male dominance.

“Recently it has been troubling me a lot that it gives me sleepless nights and I tend to oversleep the next morning. I get thoughts of the injustice I faced, the shame I faced and being helpless and not doing anything about it” – you are just one person, one woman having faced a very common unjust practice that is supported by millions of people, particularly men, no wonder you were helpless to stop it.

anita

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