Hi Sherry,
Firstly really sorry to hear about your life struggles. I probably am in the similar situation as yours. Let’s together look and try to understand our situation. I have been in depression during my early 20s. Long story short, immature parents, premature hairloss, rejections from multiple girls, lacking emotional connection with almost everyone, no quality friends, a general feeling of emptiness in life. Now ofcourse, to fill this void, I resorted to overeating, binge drinking, smoking and even occasional weed. Surprisingly, none of that helped lol! So then what do I do, try to get diagnosis of my premature hairloss, turns out I have some autoimmune thyroid condition — BAM!! life is over. And to top it all, I am a porn/masturbation addict. Yeah all screwed! At the surface my life might seem perfect, but deep down it is really out of order. I too have had the guilt of not being responsible with myself, and not taking care of myself, eating wrongly, tolerating wrong kind of people in my life etc.
But then let’s try to understand this, who is it really who is guilty? I am guilty right now, but I wasn’t guilty back then. I was plain ignorant. And right now, life is giving me no chance of being ignorant. Yeah I can’t eat whatever I like, but why does that mean lack of freedom? Is it that, we feel we lack freedom, as somewhere deep down, we still wish to be a little (but not too much) indulgent, being able to enjoy with friends at restaurants without acting all weird haha! Well, maybe the truth is we lost our turn, as we were irresponsible. And by wanting things to be different, we are probably stressing ourselves out more.
You know earlier, when I didn’t have my medical reports, and I could still binge eat etc., although I was hopeless, I could still conveniently fabricate pleasant scenarios for myself in the future. I felt like, this would somehow, soon be over, and then the life would be all roses and sunshine. Maybe, now, reality doesn’t allow me to delude myself anymore. We sadly know the consequences of our irresponsibility. And yes, we were irresponsible, but I guess, we don’t have to (or rather we don’t get to) be irresponsible anymore.
Maybe our hearts and our minds would continue to lack their freedom as long as we wish for things to be different than what they are. I dunno, just a random thought.
Take care 🙂
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