Dear Sesha:

You are welcome.

You wrote today, “Usually, I meditate or just try to get active. That help“, yesterday, you wrote: “Meditation helps, but probably I need to do it more often and regularly“- keep doing what helps, even when it helps only for a short while; temporary help is better than no help. Plus, building healthy habits by frequent and regular practice is helpful long-term!

You wrote today: “I hope that with time that suffocating feeling will weaken more. Sometimes even with good friends I can feel it internally. Then when I have to leave them those feeling come out. Then I feel really low” –

You mentioned that suffocating feeling in your original post: “Feelings of loneliness and worthlessness suffocate me… I lost my inner stable self” – I am thinking of your inner self as the part of you that has lungs and is able to breathe.

In your 4th post, you wrote regarding your parents figuratively pushing you: “It felt more like a constant pushing to reach high goals and ignore other needs in life like taking care of myself, socializing with people and other values in life than performance“, and later on page 2: “I was trimmed only to perform” – they pushed you away from your inner self and into the realm of performance… without your inner self joining you in the performance realm.

A definition of to push: “to exert force on (someone or something), typically with one’s hand, in order to move them away from oneself“,

Definition of to suffocate: “to die or cause to die from lack of air or inability to breathe, to feel or cause to feel trapped and oppressed“-

– your parents pushed you into a performance realm, away from your inner self who has the ability to breathe. There is air in the performance realm but with your lungs left behind, you can’t breathe it and you find yourself suffocated, trapped and oppressed.

“To see how others could jump let me question myself. The comparison with others makes me feel lonely and worthless” – the people who jump into the performance realm and flourish there, are able to do so because they can breathe; they have their lungs/ inner selves with them.

“It feels like I can never reach those high jumps like others did. I feel like I lost connection to society” – you can never reach those high jumps without your inner self joining you. The connection you lost is the connection to your inner self. Without this connection, no other connection is possible. For every connection to be made and maintained, you need to be able to breathe.

In your 4th post, you wrote: “Alone the emotions intensify but in such an unstable state I can’t seek comfort in others” – when one is separated from one’s inner self, one is mentally and emotionally unstable, feelings intensify. Stability and emotional regulation are possible only if one is connected to one’s inner self.

How does one feel and act when separated from one’s inner self? Answer: “filled with racing thoughts of self-blame, shame and worry… feelings of loneliness and worthlessness…anxious in everything…  and with everyone… paranoid… tense and nervous around people… acted and talked weirdly and stressed… desperate for comfort… get very clingy… cry a lot…  talk very negative about myself and others… get paralyzed… reject (possible solutions) and continue to whine“, etc.

You wrote on page 2: “I want to find a way to become free from my suffocating self” – it is not your inner self that is suffocating you; it is your separation from your inner self that is suffocating you.

“Everything has no meaning” when separated from one’s inner self.

“I am afraid to jump high, because I don’t trust my ability to jump high and survive. I am very anxious that I won’t have a safety net to catch me if I fall” – your inner self, separated, needs help to jump, it needs a connection to the rest of you.

On March 17, you wrote: “I really wish to feel that trusting connection one day…  I am always somebody who strives to accomplish something. And to have nothing to work for drives me crazy” – a trusting connection to your inner self is what you need. Strive to make this connection and you will have something worthwhile to work for!

I hope you take your time reading and re-reading this post, calmly, patiently, taking your time doing so, reflecting, and once you do that, let’s talk about how to make this connection happen to an adequate, satisfactory extent!

anita