Dear Cat:

“I understand what you’re trying to say, but I haven’t officially been diagnosed with PTSD, so I think it’s dangerous to presume that” –

– I did not diagnose you with anything, it would have been irresponsible if I did because I am not a mental health professional, and even if I was, a public forum is far from being the private, professional setting that is required to make a mental health diagnosis.

It was you who wrote back on March 12, 2020: “I spoke with the on-call GP today and she agreed with me, and believes I’m experiencing PTSD symptoms, and I do need to address this past trauma in my life. I am currently looking into trauma therapy” –

You believed at the time that you were experiencing PTSD symptoms, and an on-call GP agreed with you, and that’s why you looked into Trauma therapy. In my most recent post to you, Feb 9, 2022, I introduced to you the concept of Complex PTSD, which is not an official diagnosis, but I find it very useful; you can read about it online or in books, if you so choose.

In your most recent post, April 3, 2022, you wrote: “I’m quite plagued with the darkness of the world. Suicidal thoughts, the dairy industry, the porn industry and all these bad things. They really really plague my mind so much. I’d really like to come to peace with myself at first inside and know what I’m doing in life and how best I can try and change the world before I make any moves…. I’d really like your advice on all of this, as I am finding it all a massive head f**k and confusion” –

– I’ll do my best, but please try to be patient as you read my input and advice, don’t easily disregard all of it just because you dislike this or that word, don’t quickly react, don’t overreact… give it a chance:

I believe that the reason the dairy and porn industry and other current dark practices and events in the world plague you as much as it does (“really really… so much“, to the point of suicidal thoughts), is that the darkness of your childhood still plagues you and the new darkness is added to the old… altogether it’s too much, too heavy, overwhelming, confusing and paralyzing.

The old, childhood darkness= feeling guilty for simply being alive, weighed down by guilt because you feel responsible for your parents’ misery, feeling that you are morally, and soulfully contracted to be miserable: “I feel guilty for simply living my life… I feel so sorry for my parents… deep down I feel responsible…  like a massive moral weight on my shoulders…  the feeling is so indescribable, it’s like being morally and soulfully contracted to carry out a life under (parents’) pains and misery… It’s the worst feeling in the world“.

I am not saying that the current dark practices and events in the world are not bad and that you shouldn’t do anything about it, on the contrary: they are bad, and we should all do what we can to correct injustices and eliminate cruelty!

What I am saying is that the worst feeling in the world, for you, has always been that old guilt, that moral and soulful contract that you mentioned. Added to current bad practices and events, it’s too much for you and you end up confused, weighed down, and therefore, unable to help neither the world, nor yourself, not on an ongoing basis. You have to attend to the original darkness within you if you want to take on the life that you would like to live.

“I’m 28 now and I’m scared about getting older, and not living the life that I was meant to” – you decide what you want your life to be about, don’t wait for an outside force such as a man, a friend, or “the Universe” to make the evaluation and the decision for you!

“Throughout my 20’s I created this punk ego and tried to band stuff, never too much success. Hanging out in squats, people at protests” – online: “Punk is defined as a young, rebellious person, or aggressive rock music that was popular in the 1970s” –

– Having communicated with you for this long, I think that a rebel is in the core of who you are. You wrote: “I am trying to live life in accordance with who I really am” – I think that you really are a rebel.

Back to your original guilt, that darkness within- it is very, very common that children feel responsible for their parents’ misery. I was burdened by this common guilt for decades, leading to a life mostly wasted in guilt, while all along I was not at all responsible for my mother’s misery. If I wasn’t weighed down by this false guilt, I would have had the clarity of mind and the energy to live a life that makes sense, a life worth living, and I would have been able to help others!

I see your most important act of rebellion yet to be taken, being against this very common practice of a child taking on the responsibility for a parent’s misery.

“I am struggling with knowing what to do with my life. I don’t have a partner. As I want to wait for the right person. I’m still in Bristol – should I go back to the punk ego and do band stuff? Or should I focus on the fantasy book? Keep my head down?” –

– (1) Never keep your head down, that’s not what a rebel does, but remember that not every time you feel offended, it means that someone really offended you, evaluate situations before you react to them (don’t react too quickly, don’t overreact)!

(2)  Question is, once you unload much of that excess weight, once you break that moral and soulful contract to carry out a life under your anyone’s pain and misery (“to carry out a life under… pains and misery”), what do you rebel against next?

One thing at a time, first your most important act of rebellion has to start taking place.

anita